I am just returned from my first follow-up visit to my surgeon and medical oncologist, to find that the latter is on a year’s sick leave…
It has been 9 months of sickness – or if I reframe that, 9 months of rebirth and regrowth. I am blessed with some time now to create a new life for this that I call me. I live in and host a new environment; I look like a new person, right now with a Tintin do. I have created new exercise programmes, tweaked my diet, improved my social life and generally become easier being a human being. I realise that as such I know nothing, so best just to get on with what I have and know for sure deep in my Being. As that Being, I have no need of knowing anything. Just as the trees around me on my walk, I need only to breathe to be ok in this world, and when it is autumn, the leaf will fall. There is a hum to the universe that includes that which I call me – if I can identify with That, I am doing well.
I had planned that this blog would talk about environmental toxicity and its links with hormones and the whole bag of xeno-estrogenic issues that is slowly being prised open. The prognosis is encouraging. Recently our Canadian government became the first country in the world to declare bisphenol-A (BPA) as toxic. The David Suzuki Foundation just the other day made news headlines with a list of 12 chemicals that are found in 80% of our most common cosmetic products. Two things need to happen here:
Number One is to read those labels, and number two is to vote with your purse – do not buy products containing the following ‘dirty dozen’, reproduced from the CBC website.
“1 – BHA and BHT. Used in moisturizers as preservatives, the suspected endocrine disruptors may cause cancer and are known to be harmful to fish and other wildlife
2 – Coal-tar dyes such as p-phenylenediamine and colours listed as CI followed by five digits. Used in some hair dyes, may be contaminated with heavy metals toxic to the brain.
3 – DEA, cocamide DEA and lauramide DEA. Used in some creamy and foaming moisturizers and shampoos. Can react to form nitrosamines, which may cause cancer. Harmful to fish and other wildlife.
4 – Dibuytl phthalate. Used as a plasticizer in some nail-care products. Suspected endocrine disrupter and reproductive toxicant. Harmful to fish and other wildlife.
5 – Formaldehyde releasing preservatives such as DMDM hydantoin, diazolidinyl urea, imidazolidinyl urea, methenamine, quarternium-15 and sodium hydroxymethylglycinate. Used in a variety of cosmetics. Slowly release small amounts of formaldehyde, which causes cancer.
6 – Paraben, methylparaben, butylparaben and propylparaben. Used in a variety of cosmetics as preservatives. Suspected endocrine disrupters and may interfere with male reproductive functions.
7 – Parfum. Any mixture of fragrance ingredients used in a variety of cosmetics. Some fragrance ingredients can trigger allergies and asthma. Some linked to cancer and neurotoxicity. Some harmful to fish and other wildlife.
8 – PEG Compounds such as PEG-60. Used in some cosmetic cream bases. Can be contaminated with 1,4-dioxane, which may cause cancer.
9 – Petrolatum. Used in some hair products for shine and as a moisture barrier in some lip balms, lip sticks and moisturizers. A petroleum product that can be contaminated with polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons, which may cause cancer.
10 – Siloxanes: cyclotetrasiloxane, cyclopentasiloxane, cyclohexasiloxane and cyclopethicone. Used in a variety of cosmetics to soften, smooth and moisten. Suspected endocrine disrupter and reproductive toxicant (cyclotetrasiloxane). Harmful to fish and other wildlife.
11 – Sodium laureth sulphate. Used in some foaming cosmetics, such as shampoos, cleansers and bubble bath. Can be contaminated with 1,4-dioxane, which may cause cancer.
12 – Triclosan. Used in some antibacterial cosmetics, such as toothpastes, cleansers and deodorants. Suspected endocrine disrupter and may contribute to antibiotic resistance in bacteria. Harmful to fish and other wildlife.”
Read more: http://www.cbc.ca/politics/story/2010/10/19/suzuki-dirty-dozen.html#ixzz12p3T94kD
I urge you to print this and put it in a place where your family can easily read it and check all they purchase. Add TCE (Tri-chloro-ethalyne) to the list. My radiation oncologist talks of the link between the increase in cancer and the amounts of this epoxy solvent TCE in our drinking water. The more I research the effect these silent killers are having on our bodies – people and the earth - the scarier it can become. But we can make a difference by becoming educated, and making changes to what we purchase and with what we surround ourselves. If you haven’t done so yet, read ‘Slow Death by Rubber Duck’ and get passionate about your internal and external environments. 8 years ago, when I was diagnosed with my first cancer, there was very little information or understanding out-there on chemical toxicity beyond Rachel Carson’s ‘Silent Spring.’ Today, the information is prolific and we no longer have ignorance to blame for our situations. And that is why I am ceasing this blog. I don’t need to rant about it all anymore. I need to create my own programme, and in doing so urge you to do the same. Start eating a plant-based organic diet, move a lot, love yourself and all around you. Today could be your last. Make it good.
On a personal note, at my 3-month follow up the other day with my surgical oncologist, we began the consultation with him talking about the next step, which in his training did not mean so much Tamoxifen as an aromatase inhibitor (eg. the Armidex I took, and now there are others). I had previously practiced many internal scenarios telling my surgeon that I did not want to take Tamoxifen, so when I began with the slick phrase, “Dr. K., I appreciate all that you and your team do for my health,” he burst out laughing, knowing what was to follow.
The part that made my heart dance was after I had requested we put all those chemical bits on the proverbial back-burner, he began to talk of how this cancer thing is way bigger than anyone can figure right now, and anyway, I only have 2 breasts, so this means that challenge is behind me.
The thing is, we have no clue as to when we will breathe our last, so until then, I take enormous pleasure in considering this moment to always be my last. How beautiful now the bare trees, gathering their strength for the coming winter – preventive strategy or just plain wisdom. That is all we can do, as we constantly engage in the process of transformation. Transformation is the name of the game for a human being particularly; we have so many tools, so many clues. The challenge, if you like, is seeing where we can, and may-well get caught in the particular manifestation at any given time. I just know that as soon as I open my heart, miracles happen. The other evening I was tearing open, with my bare hands, down the middle of an orange/red very shapely fall squash that suddenly felt as though I was opening my heart and the 2 halves, my breasts, were being thrown to the space.
At that very instant in time, at that very moment, no kidding, the insistent buzzing of the backhoe working next door suddenly and decisively stopped.
What synchronicity steeped in symbolism! As soon as I open my heart, my mental chatter releases. But that line of enquiry my friends will have to be the subject of another blog.
I thank all who have been reading my entries and wish you a long and happy life. Good luck to us all, God bless us every one.
You may reach me at fyson.randall@gmail.com
10/29/10
9/3/10
Allopathy is over!
It’s been a while since I blogged – a while taken up with the second of the allopathic therapies I have chosen to eradicate this cancer from my body – radiation.
The whole month of August was spent in daily drives to the hospital where I lay on a slab, half naked, arms above my head for 10 minutes at a time. The technicians were professional and caring both; the treatment, like chemotherapy, comparable to nothing else in this life. But that is where the similarities end. Where chemo made me crazy, radiation left a fatigue so deep – bone deep – that all I wanted to do was rest. And not just the body. After treatment, there was no interest in, well anything. It was a very strange time. I had a short window every morning where I could, if I wished, be pro-active about something, anything, but after that, forget about it!
The good news today of course is that it is over. The two big allopathic treatments are now over. Mind you, the effects are still in the body and will remain so for a long time, but the actual hospital visits are over. This is a major achievement. My radiation oncologist was pleased with whatever results he saw. I’m pleased because I am still alive. The philosophy I now adhere to is to live each day as if my last. This approach, not new by any means, but now to the forefront, became clear after watching the movie – ‘A Single Man.’ It’s the dramatisation of a Christopher Isherwood novel about a guy who loses his beloved to Death. This event causes enormous sadness and grief, with pain too much to bear, so he decides to end it all, but not until the evening of the day. His last day is thus spent with great awareness. As it happens, it is so full of joy that when he comes to do the dastardly deed, he changes his mind and decides to live. Fate then plays a very bad joke and sends a heart attack to catapult him into the next world, but the point is taken. That moment of release, so called death, which Abraham says is like taking off a tight shoe, is not in my control. So I live this day as if my last, and wow, what a wonderful day it is.
Having stayed the course since the beginning of the year, having undergone surgery, chemotherapy and radiation, I now take a short vacation, some time away, to reflect and create the next step – Part Two of the Healing Process. This will be composed of complementary therapies – more effort from my side for sure, but what price life, real life, where I can live all the days of my life.
Back in a few weeks, till then, happy days, Su-An
p.s. and somewhere I really don't want to go - while my hair is slowly growing on the head, it is also reappearing on the face in the strangest places. Hormonal disruption or what!! Aye aye aye - I am taking the soft approach and giving it some time to balance out before any intervention.
The whole month of August was spent in daily drives to the hospital where I lay on a slab, half naked, arms above my head for 10 minutes at a time. The technicians were professional and caring both; the treatment, like chemotherapy, comparable to nothing else in this life. But that is where the similarities end. Where chemo made me crazy, radiation left a fatigue so deep – bone deep – that all I wanted to do was rest. And not just the body. After treatment, there was no interest in, well anything. It was a very strange time. I had a short window every morning where I could, if I wished, be pro-active about something, anything, but after that, forget about it!
The good news today of course is that it is over. The two big allopathic treatments are now over. Mind you, the effects are still in the body and will remain so for a long time, but the actual hospital visits are over. This is a major achievement. My radiation oncologist was pleased with whatever results he saw. I’m pleased because I am still alive. The philosophy I now adhere to is to live each day as if my last. This approach, not new by any means, but now to the forefront, became clear after watching the movie – ‘A Single Man.’ It’s the dramatisation of a Christopher Isherwood novel about a guy who loses his beloved to Death. This event causes enormous sadness and grief, with pain too much to bear, so he decides to end it all, but not until the evening of the day. His last day is thus spent with great awareness. As it happens, it is so full of joy that when he comes to do the dastardly deed, he changes his mind and decides to live. Fate then plays a very bad joke and sends a heart attack to catapult him into the next world, but the point is taken. That moment of release, so called death, which Abraham says is like taking off a tight shoe, is not in my control. So I live this day as if my last, and wow, what a wonderful day it is.
Having stayed the course since the beginning of the year, having undergone surgery, chemotherapy and radiation, I now take a short vacation, some time away, to reflect and create the next step – Part Two of the Healing Process. This will be composed of complementary therapies – more effort from my side for sure, but what price life, real life, where I can live all the days of my life.
Back in a few weeks, till then, happy days, Su-An
p.s. and somewhere I really don't want to go - while my hair is slowly growing on the head, it is also reappearing on the face in the strangest places. Hormonal disruption or what!! Aye aye aye - I am taking the soft approach and giving it some time to balance out before any intervention.
7/10/10
External transition
These last 3 months have been a time – a time of contrasts and contradictions – a time of enormous highs and deep lows.
Following my last chemotherapy treatment on Monday, I wish to record for future reference the extreme body, mind, heart and soul effects of chemical infusion. I do this because I forget. I will never do this again. Je voudrais souvenir.
Here we go with the list of effects from the Taxol/Carboplat chemotherapy treatments. Some of the opposite effects happen at the same time – this is most disturbing.
1. Eradication of all cancer cells in the system – we hope
2. External:
Hair loss on head, in nose and other parts
Skin becomes clammy, shiny and very soft
Vision loss
Gum loss
Bone density loss
Dizziness
Runny nose
Wobbliness and weakness on walking – loss of balance
Inability to sleep – need to rest
Love of foetal position
Openness to infections of all kinds – in my case, shingles
3. Internal:
Constipation – diarrhoea
Abiding nausea and yawning hunger
Metallic taste in all foods with love of soft and mushy comfort kinds
Extreme nerve pain – shooting and random electric shocks
Tingling and numbness in extremities, in my case, particularly the legs
Deep abiding aches all over the body
Great bouts of energy and extreme fatigue
Shingle pain – yikes!
4. Mental:
Elation and depression
Fits of wild laughter and loud sobs
Inability to hold a thought for longer than a few minutes
Enhanced perception and clouded vision
Loss of interest in judging or interpreting
Driven to obsessive-compulsive behaviour
Need for certainty - desire for spontaneity
Altered time perception – slow and speedy simultaneously
5. Heart and soul:
Feeling like a baby and centenarian at the same time
Great sensitivity to love and its manifestations – from the beauty of a flower to the noble deeds that the human heart can offer
Enormous appreciation of That which powers the life, and wonder at its magnificence
Willingness to live forever, yet die at any moment
Great need to retreat, pull back from all human activity, yet desire for meaningful connections
Enhanced ability to perceive now
I am in deeply involved in my body, yet at the same time, feel very spacey – heavy and light together. It is this contradictory nature of chemo that is most intriguing and challenging to manage.
The treatments are over, but I am told the effects can last a very long time. Meanwhile, I have set localized radiation to begin in August. I went yesterday for the tattoos. Funny how back in the early 70’s I toyed with getting a tattoo and shaving my head. At that time, it would have been most outrageous. Now I see to be careful of my wishes…………
We take a break for healing and some plain old day-to-day living.
Till later, SuAn
Following my last chemotherapy treatment on Monday, I wish to record for future reference the extreme body, mind, heart and soul effects of chemical infusion. I do this because I forget. I will never do this again. Je voudrais souvenir.
Here we go with the list of effects from the Taxol/Carboplat chemotherapy treatments. Some of the opposite effects happen at the same time – this is most disturbing.
1. Eradication of all cancer cells in the system – we hope
2. External:
Hair loss on head, in nose and other parts
Skin becomes clammy, shiny and very soft
Vision loss
Gum loss
Bone density loss
Dizziness
Runny nose
Wobbliness and weakness on walking – loss of balance
Inability to sleep – need to rest
Love of foetal position
Openness to infections of all kinds – in my case, shingles
3. Internal:
Constipation – diarrhoea
Abiding nausea and yawning hunger
Metallic taste in all foods with love of soft and mushy comfort kinds
Extreme nerve pain – shooting and random electric shocks
Tingling and numbness in extremities, in my case, particularly the legs
Deep abiding aches all over the body
Great bouts of energy and extreme fatigue
Shingle pain – yikes!
4. Mental:
Elation and depression
Fits of wild laughter and loud sobs
Inability to hold a thought for longer than a few minutes
Enhanced perception and clouded vision
Loss of interest in judging or interpreting
Driven to obsessive-compulsive behaviour
Need for certainty - desire for spontaneity
Altered time perception – slow and speedy simultaneously
5. Heart and soul:
Feeling like a baby and centenarian at the same time
Great sensitivity to love and its manifestations – from the beauty of a flower to the noble deeds that the human heart can offer
Enormous appreciation of That which powers the life, and wonder at its magnificence
Willingness to live forever, yet die at any moment
Great need to retreat, pull back from all human activity, yet desire for meaningful connections
Enhanced ability to perceive now
I am in deeply involved in my body, yet at the same time, feel very spacey – heavy and light together. It is this contradictory nature of chemo that is most intriguing and challenging to manage.
The treatments are over, but I am told the effects can last a very long time. Meanwhile, I have set localized radiation to begin in August. I went yesterday for the tattoos. Funny how back in the early 70’s I toyed with getting a tattoo and shaving my head. At that time, it would have been most outrageous. Now I see to be careful of my wishes…………
We take a break for healing and some plain old day-to-day living.
Till later, SuAn
6/28/10
'Morph: intr.slang - be transformed' (COD)
I have been asked to elaborate on this time betwixt and between: I call it ‘morphing into a new manifestation.’
This is a very interesting inquiry into the process of transformation. I have always been intrigued by that moment of change – why in just that moment does the dyke open and waters run? Patanjali Yog Darshan (the handbook for yogis) tells us that it happens when everything needed to effect that change is supplied to the original state. The caterpillar will morph into the butterfly when all necessary conditions are met.
Prior to that emergence of new life, the caterpillar spends time inside its chrysalis - a period of transition.
As I undergo these allopathic healing treatments, I recognize I am in a time of transition; by nature it is one of uncertainty.
This uncertainty, scary at times as it may be, is actually a very important and essential part of our growth and evolution. It is a temporary stage – important to recognize that point and allow that these spaces of discomfort, confusion and fear are actually setting the stage for a new clarity and wisdom to emerge.
One characteristic of this uncertainty is that we have very little clue as to what kind of butterfly we will become – what if it is a moth? We are no longer in apparent control; we rest on very shaky ground, desperately searching for something to hold on to. This is where the discipline of practice enters the picture in a very helpful and friendly way. In a recent earthquake, I instantly ran for the doorframe – that drill was in my head. Mind you, once there, I realized I could actually go outside into the open. In the same way, our daily practices of awareness, whatever they be, from a morning sun-salutation to daily meditation, from chi-gung to moment to moment loving kindness, they give us that something to rest in until we see that we can leap off the cliff and we will fly.
At heart this expansion process is mysterious; this is a good thing. We rarely can believe the wonders that lie in store upon awakening.
SuAn
This is a very interesting inquiry into the process of transformation. I have always been intrigued by that moment of change – why in just that moment does the dyke open and waters run? Patanjali Yog Darshan (the handbook for yogis) tells us that it happens when everything needed to effect that change is supplied to the original state. The caterpillar will morph into the butterfly when all necessary conditions are met.
Prior to that emergence of new life, the caterpillar spends time inside its chrysalis - a period of transition.
As I undergo these allopathic healing treatments, I recognize I am in a time of transition; by nature it is one of uncertainty.
This uncertainty, scary at times as it may be, is actually a very important and essential part of our growth and evolution. It is a temporary stage – important to recognize that point and allow that these spaces of discomfort, confusion and fear are actually setting the stage for a new clarity and wisdom to emerge.
One characteristic of this uncertainty is that we have very little clue as to what kind of butterfly we will become – what if it is a moth? We are no longer in apparent control; we rest on very shaky ground, desperately searching for something to hold on to. This is where the discipline of practice enters the picture in a very helpful and friendly way. In a recent earthquake, I instantly ran for the doorframe – that drill was in my head. Mind you, once there, I realized I could actually go outside into the open. In the same way, our daily practices of awareness, whatever they be, from a morning sun-salutation to daily meditation, from chi-gung to moment to moment loving kindness, they give us that something to rest in until we see that we can leap off the cliff and we will fly.
At heart this expansion process is mysterious; this is a good thing. We rarely can believe the wonders that lie in store upon awakening.
SuAn
6/15/10
Three down, one to go!
The pattern is that some of my drugs on the day of treatment induce a great high and energy for the first 48 hours, giving time to do laundry, purchase ginger ale and arrowroot cookies, and generally setting up for the following week of treating the body as a baby, allowing the dance to begin. I need to create a no-stress retreat environment during that week -my only concerns to be around eating, resting, a little activity, a little elimination, and then again repeating the cycle -eating...........This way, the body's natural intelligence takes over and I can rest easy.
The good news is that my blood count was adequate for the treatment to happen. The better news is that shingles is not a side-effect of chemotherapy, which means it may not reappear. Apparently, if you are over 50, and have had chicken pox as a child, the chances of you manifesting shingles is more likely than not. A somewhat scary thought.
For me this time, the chemo depletes the immune system, which allowed for the shingles to come forth, but maybe that wasn't such a bad thing - it brought the virus out into the open. I can say this now, the best news, as miraculously the pain disappeared on Sunday morning, and I am pain-free, with just a sense of a sunburn around the blisters. How that happened, who knows, but I attribute it to the anti-virals, the homeopathy, the acupuncture, my yoga practice, the Thai Yoga Massage treatment, all that, along with a large dose of prayer and grace. I am very pleased. I have been blessed in this life with very little body pain (heart and mind is another story!). I see how it infiltrates and insinuates itself bringing the whole system down. One good side effect of this is that I now have a whole lot more understanding and compassion for others in such pain.
That's the news for today. SuAn
The good news is that my blood count was adequate for the treatment to happen. The better news is that shingles is not a side-effect of chemotherapy, which means it may not reappear. Apparently, if you are over 50, and have had chicken pox as a child, the chances of you manifesting shingles is more likely than not. A somewhat scary thought.
For me this time, the chemo depletes the immune system, which allowed for the shingles to come forth, but maybe that wasn't such a bad thing - it brought the virus out into the open. I can say this now, the best news, as miraculously the pain disappeared on Sunday morning, and I am pain-free, with just a sense of a sunburn around the blisters. How that happened, who knows, but I attribute it to the anti-virals, the homeopathy, the acupuncture, my yoga practice, the Thai Yoga Massage treatment, all that, along with a large dose of prayer and grace. I am very pleased. I have been blessed in this life with very little body pain (heart and mind is another story!). I see how it infiltrates and insinuates itself bringing the whole system down. One good side effect of this is that I now have a whole lot more understanding and compassion for others in such pain.
That's the news for today. SuAn
6/12/10
Life's Bounce
As we reach the end of the second cyle of chemotherapy, I see the emerging 3-week pattern. Weeks one and two are intense - only to be describe to a health care professional. To everyone else who asks, "How are you?" I have learned to respond, "Fine, thankyou and you?" Otherwise I find myself mired in sickness. It may well be that I am, and I accept that I am, but it does not follow that I have to talk about it all the time. So talk to me of orchids and gardens, composting and lawn mowing and we will have a fine chat.
My dance image continues with the chemicals and my body performing a rather passionate and elaborate tango-like spin around the floor of life, a spin filled with many sharp turns and unexpected dips during weeks one and two. My immune system bends to the force of the drugs, nimbly getting out of the way before they step on her toes, to allow their lead for cleansing and healing. As we enter week 3, she begins to reassert her strength, gradually taking the lead for her kind of healing. Passion turns into grace, and we appreciate the beauty of dance.
Cycle three is scheduled for Monday if the white blood cell count is high enough. We did have a fall during this last dance - shingles around the liver - so let's see just how much the system is comprimised. We may have to introduce some new moves from a Maori war dance into our tango.
Stay tuned......SuAn
My dance image continues with the chemicals and my body performing a rather passionate and elaborate tango-like spin around the floor of life, a spin filled with many sharp turns and unexpected dips during weeks one and two. My immune system bends to the force of the drugs, nimbly getting out of the way before they step on her toes, to allow their lead for cleansing and healing. As we enter week 3, she begins to reassert her strength, gradually taking the lead for her kind of healing. Passion turns into grace, and we appreciate the beauty of dance.
Cycle three is scheduled for Monday if the white blood cell count is high enough. We did have a fall during this last dance - shingles around the liver - so let's see just how much the system is comprimised. We may have to introduce some new moves from a Maori war dance into our tango.
Stay tuned......SuAn
5/27/10
Scientific proof that the chemotherapy is working
So I meet with the medical oncologist before the second treatment, and after the initial greetings and courtesies he asks: "What's new?" To that I take off my bamboo beanie that a dear friend knitted for my head and show him my bald pate. "Oh," he said, "Must be the chemo is working..........."
5/19/10
Healing begins
I am just reaching the end of the first 3-week chemotherapy cycle. The initial week after the first treatment was extremely symptomatic, with all that one would expect from an atomic explosion. Then one week later, I woke up suddenly feeling much better, and that sense has increased daily. I now prepare for the second hit.
During this time I have been blessed with a great healing of the issues I had with my dad. Bringing them to light and letting them go has been the process, and suddenly I find I can say the Ho'oponomo mantra with no residue emotion in the bones. It can take a long time to heal old wounds, and it can take no time at all - this wonderful dichotomy of life. For a fun take on the latter, and a great belly laugh if you have 5 minutes, watch Bob Newhart's approach to therapy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1g3ENYxg9k
Today I shave my head , or rather I go to the hair salon for the professional touch to finish the job of shedding over 100,000 hairs. I am blown away by what the Creative Intelligence has evolved in the creation of the human being, especially right now the wonderful aspect of hair..............
Stay tuned for round two, Soon-to-be-bald-Su-An
During this time I have been blessed with a great healing of the issues I had with my dad. Bringing them to light and letting them go has been the process, and suddenly I find I can say the Ho'oponomo mantra with no residue emotion in the bones. It can take a long time to heal old wounds, and it can take no time at all - this wonderful dichotomy of life. For a fun take on the latter, and a great belly laugh if you have 5 minutes, watch Bob Newhart's approach to therapy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1g3ENYxg9k
Today I shave my head , or rather I go to the hair salon for the professional touch to finish the job of shedding over 100,000 hairs. I am blown away by what the Creative Intelligence has evolved in the creation of the human being, especially right now the wonderful aspect of hair..............
Stay tuned for round two, Soon-to-be-bald-Su-An
5/6/10
One down - three to go!
I am just ending the first crucial 48 hours after a 6 hour induction into chemical therapy for cancer. It appears that during this time the chemicals are transformed and excreted. Their side effects will manifest in 7-10 days. I am receiving a cocktail of Taxol with Carboplat. I sense that the latter has some heavy metal in it, but to my surprise I have discovered that Taxol is derived from the poison of yew trees. Now how interesting is that!
In England, yew trees are found around cemeteries - the wood is also used for archers' bows, and these 2 facts speak to me. In India, one of the big guys - Lord Shiv - he goes to cemeteries to better meditate on the transient nature of the body. He also drank poison to purify the world. The area where I lived in the Himalayas is very fond of Lord Shiv, because that is his stomping ground - there are many temples and mountains named after him. I also developed a great appreciation for his powers to help and guide me across this ocean of life, and so it is with this connection, I have been singing his praises since this realisation.
The other element concerns the Amazon women who deliberately gave themselves mastectomies so they could better wield their bow and arrows for hunting. There is a link there.
This discovery has fuelled my visualisation for this chemo journey. I will tell you what I have come up with.
First I blow up a chi balloon around my body - just breathing, but visualising that I am creating a chi balloon with the body bag inside. Next comes a small entrance on the level of a vein which leads to the blood supply. In there creep hundreds of miniature, invisible Ninja warriors who start circulating; their mission is to destroy the cancer cells by popping them like bubble wrap. Check out this site!
http://fun.from.hell.pl/2003-11-24/bubblewrap.swf
I am having a great time with this visualisation. I renew it each morning by bringing in a new shift of workers. My challenge I see is to increase my vision of numbers - it is ridiculously small! I pop these cells one by one. Duh! There are trillions of cells in the body, so I need to increase my mathematical limited understanding or I will be here forever. Maybe this will help my financial situation!
I wish to appreciate the enormous sense of care that lies in the human heart. It comes with birth, but sometimes those familial patterns are more for resolving karma before spirit can evolve. So we grow friends and lovers, and realise one day that the whole of humanity is our family - brothers and sisters - breathers of the one life, living on a blue pearl in the ocean of space.
I am blessed with a network of strong light beings in this family of mine. It includes the doctors, nurses, volunteers, maintenance staff of the hospital where I am going for the treatments. And wow, has that ever come a long way in the last 7 years. Coming from India as I was at that time, I was used to crowded waiting rooms and peeling paints. No big deal. This time - proverbial chalk and cheese. On entry, I was given a buzzer/vibrator that would quietly call me to go see the nurse or doctor. The lovely volunteers were on hand to give a smile, a pillow or a juice. I was visited by the pharmcist, the nurse and told that next time I can watch movies, get a chair massage, see a music therapist, a psychologist, social worker. I almost asked for a pedicure...........
All good, except a small tinge of wondering how sick I am when my whole day (7am-6pm) is spent in a hospital...............Who can figure these things.
So far so good and that's good enough for today.
Su-An
In England, yew trees are found around cemeteries - the wood is also used for archers' bows, and these 2 facts speak to me. In India, one of the big guys - Lord Shiv - he goes to cemeteries to better meditate on the transient nature of the body. He also drank poison to purify the world. The area where I lived in the Himalayas is very fond of Lord Shiv, because that is his stomping ground - there are many temples and mountains named after him. I also developed a great appreciation for his powers to help and guide me across this ocean of life, and so it is with this connection, I have been singing his praises since this realisation.
The other element concerns the Amazon women who deliberately gave themselves mastectomies so they could better wield their bow and arrows for hunting. There is a link there.
This discovery has fuelled my visualisation for this chemo journey. I will tell you what I have come up with.
First I blow up a chi balloon around my body - just breathing, but visualising that I am creating a chi balloon with the body bag inside. Next comes a small entrance on the level of a vein which leads to the blood supply. In there creep hundreds of miniature, invisible Ninja warriors who start circulating; their mission is to destroy the cancer cells by popping them like bubble wrap. Check out this site!
http://fun.from.hell.pl/2003-11-24/bubblewrap.swf
I am having a great time with this visualisation. I renew it each morning by bringing in a new shift of workers. My challenge I see is to increase my vision of numbers - it is ridiculously small! I pop these cells one by one. Duh! There are trillions of cells in the body, so I need to increase my mathematical limited understanding or I will be here forever. Maybe this will help my financial situation!
I wish to appreciate the enormous sense of care that lies in the human heart. It comes with birth, but sometimes those familial patterns are more for resolving karma before spirit can evolve. So we grow friends and lovers, and realise one day that the whole of humanity is our family - brothers and sisters - breathers of the one life, living on a blue pearl in the ocean of space.
I am blessed with a network of strong light beings in this family of mine. It includes the doctors, nurses, volunteers, maintenance staff of the hospital where I am going for the treatments. And wow, has that ever come a long way in the last 7 years. Coming from India as I was at that time, I was used to crowded waiting rooms and peeling paints. No big deal. This time - proverbial chalk and cheese. On entry, I was given a buzzer/vibrator that would quietly call me to go see the nurse or doctor. The lovely volunteers were on hand to give a smile, a pillow or a juice. I was visited by the pharmcist, the nurse and told that next time I can watch movies, get a chair massage, see a music therapist, a psychologist, social worker. I almost asked for a pedicure...........
All good, except a small tinge of wondering how sick I am when my whole day (7am-6pm) is spent in a hospital...............Who can figure these things.
So far so good and that's good enough for today.
Su-An
5/1/10
Integration
This week saw a wonderful advance to my project. I have secured the help of a medical doctor who is an expert in hormones; she practices helping women naturally balance their own. Yeah! This is a huge step.
I am of the opinion that we are still at the early learning stage when it comes to hormones. I compare it to the undestanding of vitamins. They were first discovered around a century ago and named one at a time after that. And now, one hundred years late, we know that there are hundreds of these micro-nutrients in one apple alone!
In other words, we are living at a very exciting time regarding our understanding of hormones. Given that I am dealing with a hormone related cancer, I want to work with someone who understands them the best. This week I found that person! She has agreed to work with me after the allopathic treatments. This gives me enormous relief - I really don't have to start with Tamoxifen in the fall. Yeah! We did one blood test pre-chemo, and will continue the experiment come October. And it is an experiment. There ain't much out there regarding post-menopausal women and balanced hormones, just vague memories of elderly aunts with hairy chins and stooped backs. Let's not go there!
First chemo Monday morning - heavy metal induction. I am ready as ready can be, trying not to cloud this time around with last time's memories. Each day a new day.
Stay tuned, Su-An
I am of the opinion that we are still at the early learning stage when it comes to hormones. I compare it to the undestanding of vitamins. They were first discovered around a century ago and named one at a time after that. And now, one hundred years late, we know that there are hundreds of these micro-nutrients in one apple alone!
In other words, we are living at a very exciting time regarding our understanding of hormones. Given that I am dealing with a hormone related cancer, I want to work with someone who understands them the best. This week I found that person! She has agreed to work with me after the allopathic treatments. This gives me enormous relief - I really don't have to start with Tamoxifen in the fall. Yeah! We did one blood test pre-chemo, and will continue the experiment come October. And it is an experiment. There ain't much out there regarding post-menopausal women and balanced hormones, just vague memories of elderly aunts with hairy chins and stooped backs. Let's not go there!
First chemo Monday morning - heavy metal induction. I am ready as ready can be, trying not to cloud this time around with last time's memories. Each day a new day.
Stay tuned, Su-An
4/18/10
Chemotherapy here we come!
I have deliberately not blogged since the last entry as I wish to stay true to my purpose and not use this space to vent, to rant, to air my mental and emotional disconcerts. I will just record that they have been many - a good sign according to my therapist. It shows I am not holding on to 'stuff.'
I have reached a place of acceptance - da da - having once again passed through those stages that Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross so succinctly describes. With all due diligence given to my situation by my doctors, my advisors and myself, I have reached the place where I choose to undergo at least one systemic therapy and thus give myself a good chance of surviving at least another 10 years in full health and happiness. This hormonal link is strong; hormones belong to the system. Cancer in fact is a systemic disease. I meet with the medical oncologist again next Tuesday, after which we will begin our journey into the world of metal, heavy metal. Allopathic therapy leads the treatment focus for now. Su-An
I have reached a place of acceptance - da da - having once again passed through those stages that Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross so succinctly describes. With all due diligence given to my situation by my doctors, my advisors and myself, I have reached the place where I choose to undergo at least one systemic therapy and thus give myself a good chance of surviving at least another 10 years in full health and happiness. This hormonal link is strong; hormones belong to the system. Cancer in fact is a systemic disease. I meet with the medical oncologist again next Tuesday, after which we will begin our journey into the world of metal, heavy metal. Allopathic therapy leads the treatment focus for now. Su-An
4/2/10
Allo April
Feeling together enough to continue this written journey, I see now how art/poetry is created. It is well nigh impossible to record the deepest hopes and fears of the human heart in any linear way.
I am back at the bargaining table.
The medical lot are recommending radiation - practically a given, a standard procedure following surgery and I can understand that. It's like burning the ends of a plastic rope. You don't want it to fray. We burn the edges of the tumour site to erase the stray cells.
And then we consider 'adjuvant systemic therapy.' What does that mean? Cancer is considered a systemic disease, and in my case it is very receptive to hormones. Adjuvant means 'chemical substance or treatment which assists the action of another.' We are thus looking at kick-ass chemotherapy over a 12 week period - 4 lots, one every 3 weeks, intravenous and unbelievably altering on all levels from the cellular to the soul, followed by a daily medication over 5 years of a chemical substance that either reaches the cell before the hormone (Tamoxifen) or decreases the hormone production in the first place. (aromatose inhibitor).
I have been there, done that, got the T-shirt with both approaches, and that is why I am again in a place of bargaining with myself. I will not undergo both again. No, nein, non, niet, nay, na na na na na.......
As it happens, my situation is not clear cut and dried, rather like life itself. So far it seems I am at a high intermediate risk for recurrence - totally in keeping with my aptitude for another language.
My case goes before a group of medical experts on April 9th, I meet with a radiation oncologist on the 13th and meanwhile, walk the dog.
Giving myself a lot of space for what's next, I am still Su-An
I am back at the bargaining table.
The medical lot are recommending radiation - practically a given, a standard procedure following surgery and I can understand that. It's like burning the ends of a plastic rope. You don't want it to fray. We burn the edges of the tumour site to erase the stray cells.
And then we consider 'adjuvant systemic therapy.' What does that mean? Cancer is considered a systemic disease, and in my case it is very receptive to hormones. Adjuvant means 'chemical substance or treatment which assists the action of another.' We are thus looking at kick-ass chemotherapy over a 12 week period - 4 lots, one every 3 weeks, intravenous and unbelievably altering on all levels from the cellular to the soul, followed by a daily medication over 5 years of a chemical substance that either reaches the cell before the hormone (Tamoxifen) or decreases the hormone production in the first place. (aromatose inhibitor).
I have been there, done that, got the T-shirt with both approaches, and that is why I am again in a place of bargaining with myself. I will not undergo both again. No, nein, non, niet, nay, na na na na na.......
As it happens, my situation is not clear cut and dried, rather like life itself. So far it seems I am at a high intermediate risk for recurrence - totally in keeping with my aptitude for another language.
My case goes before a group of medical experts on April 9th, I meet with a radiation oncologist on the 13th and meanwhile, walk the dog.
Giving myself a lot of space for what's next, I am still Su-An
3/26/10
3/17/10
2 weeks later
The results of the tumour analysis are in - but not yet known. I have an appointment for those next week. Meanwhile I have been receiving some complementary therapies along with the Sit Stay Heal program. Which ones? All rightie - a list:
* Another Journey session which obliterated some old stuck belief in the bones;
* daily pet therapy - walking a dog, feeding a cat, relating on a non-verbal level;
* lymphatic massage to get it all moving and decrease the scar tissue;
* frequent doses of funny movies and laughing out lound - this is one of the best!
* the start of a qi-gung program into the life;
* baking, talking on the phone and otherwise aimlessly connecting with friends;
* researching hormones and here I have 2 more books for you:
'Natural Hormone Balance for Women' by Uzzi Reiss, M.D./O.B.GYN. (2001)
'Sexy Hormones' by Lorna R. Vanderhaeghe, MS and Alvin Pettle, MD (2007)
Both available from Amazon, who by the way, have an amazing delivery time. Ordered on Sunday, received on Wednesday.
Lots to learn here if I am to navigate the estrogen highway without medication. Back to the SSH while I begin......................Su-An
* Another Journey session which obliterated some old stuck belief in the bones;
* daily pet therapy - walking a dog, feeding a cat, relating on a non-verbal level;
* lymphatic massage to get it all moving and decrease the scar tissue;
* frequent doses of funny movies and laughing out lound - this is one of the best!
* the start of a qi-gung program into the life;
* baking, talking on the phone and otherwise aimlessly connecting with friends;
* researching hormones and here I have 2 more books for you:
'Natural Hormone Balance for Women' by Uzzi Reiss, M.D./O.B.GYN. (2001)
'Sexy Hormones' by Lorna R. Vanderhaeghe, MS and Alvin Pettle, MD (2007)
Both available from Amazon, who by the way, have an amazing delivery time. Ordered on Sunday, received on Wednesday.
Lots to learn here if I am to navigate the estrogen highway without medication. Back to the SSH while I begin......................Su-An
3/1/10
Relief
There is an enormous sense of relief in being treated (implying gift) by a health care provider who knows the person who has the disease, as opposed to being seen (implying distance) by a professional who knows only the disease that has taken the person.
Following my experience in the Emergency Department, a visit to my surgeon gave physical, mental and emotional relief to the visible lump in my body, and the not so visible ones in my mind and heart. We are still waiting for the results of the tumour analysis - time for the SSH program to kick in - Sitting, Staying, Healing Su-An
Following my experience in the Emergency Department, a visit to my surgeon gave physical, mental and emotional relief to the visible lump in my body, and the not so visible ones in my mind and heart. We are still waiting for the results of the tumour analysis - time for the SSH program to kick in - Sitting, Staying, Healing Su-An
2/22/10
Life's journey
Life's journey when it meets cancer is a bit like getting lost in the woods - anything can happen, and it will. These last 2 days have found me spending my afternoons and early evenings in the emergency department of the local hospital. Going for my shower that first morning I found a very large golf ball of a lump under my armpit. So that explained the tingling I was feeling at the elbow but making no connection to the wound. DUH! This is a wonderful example of the brain fog that follows a general anaesthetic, slightly reminiscent of the major brain fog that accompanies chemotherapy. The health professionals never mention these things.
My friend tells me that a visit to the Emergency Department of a hospital is a crapshoot - defined in the dictionary as a "highly uncertain venture." I agree with that. The first visit was an excellent experience, the second, totally opposite. At that point my inner resources were finished and I exited gracefully stage left.
Comment on the weekend: Life's journey is a crapshoot.
Su-An
My friend tells me that a visit to the Emergency Department of a hospital is a crapshoot - defined in the dictionary as a "highly uncertain venture." I agree with that. The first visit was an excellent experience, the second, totally opposite. At that point my inner resources were finished and I exited gracefully stage left.
Comment on the weekend: Life's journey is a crapshoot.
Su-An
2/19/10
Sit Stay Heal
Pema Chodron tells the story of someone sending her a card in the shape of a doggie bone with the words "Sit, Stay, Heal" on it. I like that. It reminds me of the importance of letting time do its job and heal the wound. So much better if we can rest while that is happening and allow the body to work its natural intelligence without having to deal with multi-tasking unnecessary jobs. Knowing how to meditate of course helps more than a lot. I am able to sit, stay and heal, disciplining the puppy mind, which has the temperament of a monkey, to keep returning to the space, to the mantra, to the breath - whatever tool works to allow focus to take place, awareness to open and Pure Consciousness to be present.
This week saw me back for a visit with my surgeon to remove the main dressing and hear the test results. The news is good. Cancer has not spread to the liver, bones or heart -three places to which breast cancer cells like to migrate. They didn't test the brain, but the thoroughness of my eye doctor took care of that. He looked into the back of my eye for breast cancer relatedness. It was all looking good he said. "All clear" is the sound.
Then not so good news - the pressure in my right eye was up. "Maybe we should start some drops" says the doctor, followed by the observation that he detected some reluctance for me to start drops. Duh - Yes! Because once prescribed, there is an even greater reluctance on the part of the health professional to stop. I offered the point of the stress of the general anaesthetic totally messing with the body's mechanism. Luckily my doctor had had a general anaesthetic himself and had experienced brain fog for 3 weeks. (Me too) So he saw my point, and we are on hold with the drops till the next time I see him. Unless the hole in the eye (trabeculectomy for glaucoma) has grown over, I should be able to get the pressure down with dietary excellence and optimal lifestyle habits.
One interesting observation concerns the over-diagnosis and treatment of conditions. For example, all the tests I did show that there is Degenerative Disc Disease here, a small cyst there, mild scoliosis somewhere else. We start to see the need for parameters around how upset or excited we are going to get over our body health. From the net: "Disc degeneration is a natural part of aging and over time all people will exhibit changes in their discs consistent with a greater or lesser degree of degeneration. However, not all people will develop symptoms. In fact, degenerative disc disease is quite variable in its nature and severity."
Thanks to my diet and lifestyle I have no bodily pain - just the symptoms of a a biological entity changing over time - I liken it to barnacles on a ship. No big deal. Maybe cancer should be viewed in the same light? Somewhere, however, that is a big deal and I recoil from its progress. Life really is a great chaotic happening where nothing really makes any sense, but the mind always searches for it. Again, the joy of meditation to rest in Being.
We still don't know the details of the tumour. Stay tuned for that and the next step. Su-An
This week saw me back for a visit with my surgeon to remove the main dressing and hear the test results. The news is good. Cancer has not spread to the liver, bones or heart -three places to which breast cancer cells like to migrate. They didn't test the brain, but the thoroughness of my eye doctor took care of that. He looked into the back of my eye for breast cancer relatedness. It was all looking good he said. "All clear" is the sound.
Then not so good news - the pressure in my right eye was up. "Maybe we should start some drops" says the doctor, followed by the observation that he detected some reluctance for me to start drops. Duh - Yes! Because once prescribed, there is an even greater reluctance on the part of the health professional to stop. I offered the point of the stress of the general anaesthetic totally messing with the body's mechanism. Luckily my doctor had had a general anaesthetic himself and had experienced brain fog for 3 weeks. (Me too) So he saw my point, and we are on hold with the drops till the next time I see him. Unless the hole in the eye (trabeculectomy for glaucoma) has grown over, I should be able to get the pressure down with dietary excellence and optimal lifestyle habits.
One interesting observation concerns the over-diagnosis and treatment of conditions. For example, all the tests I did show that there is Degenerative Disc Disease here, a small cyst there, mild scoliosis somewhere else. We start to see the need for parameters around how upset or excited we are going to get over our body health. From the net: "Disc degeneration is a natural part of aging and over time all people will exhibit changes in their discs consistent with a greater or lesser degree of degeneration. However, not all people will develop symptoms. In fact, degenerative disc disease is quite variable in its nature and severity."
Thanks to my diet and lifestyle I have no bodily pain - just the symptoms of a a biological entity changing over time - I liken it to barnacles on a ship. No big deal. Maybe cancer should be viewed in the same light? Somewhere, however, that is a big deal and I recoil from its progress. Life really is a great chaotic happening where nothing really makes any sense, but the mind always searches for it. Again, the joy of meditation to rest in Being.
We still don't know the details of the tumour. Stay tuned for that and the next step. Su-An
2/12/10
Post surgery
A general anaesthetic must be the black hole of consciousness. One minute on the table, and as if the next minute coughing awake in the recovery room with no sense of any time having passed. I am thankful for anaesthesia, along with the amazing kindness of all hospital employees.
In days of yore, aspiring yogis would be sent to the cremation ground to meditate all night on the transient nature of the body. These days I suggest you spend a morning in the waiting room of a hospital's day surgery. You will get the point. It is a humbling experience - a disillusionment of belief in this human body as permanent. Yet, because there is someone, something, some consciousness who is ever present, we naturally search for this and put it on what we see - our bodies! As I allow time to heal the wound of the knife cut, (partial mastectomy and sentinel node removal)I reflect on these matters and wonder at this thing I call life with what I call me in it.
Su-An
In days of yore, aspiring yogis would be sent to the cremation ground to meditate all night on the transient nature of the body. These days I suggest you spend a morning in the waiting room of a hospital's day surgery. You will get the point. It is a humbling experience - a disillusionment of belief in this human body as permanent. Yet, because there is someone, something, some consciousness who is ever present, we naturally search for this and put it on what we see - our bodies! As I allow time to heal the wound of the knife cut, (partial mastectomy and sentinel node removal)I reflect on these matters and wonder at this thing I call life with what I call me in it.
Su-An
2/4/10
Insights, Acupuncture and Homeopathy
Reflecting on the Journey work as I found myself feeling lighter, brighter and receiving a compliment that I looked 10 years younger, I am reminded of a great lesson - life is both universal and personal. On the personal level, it's all about me. (Universally it's all about ME, but that is subject for another day.) Back to me. There are two sides here - one the great joke of someone talking of themselves and then saying: "That's enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think of me?"
That's not what I want to convey here. I will however make it personal to illustrate my point. In my confused reactionary state to this breast cancer recurrence, I put a lot of blame out there on my dad. It has nothing to do with him. He did the best he could always. It was me who absorbed the environment he created around me - yes, unwittingly, but I now have the choice to release and let go of that. This we did yesterday through our Journey process. I have done it before, and may have to do it again. We repeat the healing therapies that work for us until we get it! That's why I meditate every day. My little soul flame needs this constant reminder that Big Presence is totally one with her, and that perfection can only lie in the moment. Forgiveness for human limitations is a must.
Once we awaken to being alive, we have choices. The first step is acceptance of what is happening and taking full responsibility there. Now, I can take that Journey to release old emotional holding patterns, and work at being fully present with new waves, but when I take this approach to the subject of hormones, I am left with a disturbing thought. As much as I balance and take care of my personal ones, these xeno-estrogens are lurking lurking everywhere now in the environment, twenty first century. I feel overwhelmed with what has to be done here to rectify things. One big anchor is "Slow Death by Rubber Duck" and its recommendations.
Back to this particular case, I have begun the homeopathy to get me through the surgery and beyond. (www.homeopathysolutions.net) Also an acupuncture session yesterday that left me yawning like a baby birdie and again another deep sleep. All good. No more complementary therapies now until after the surgery and we know what else we are dealing with. All for today. Su-An
That's not what I want to convey here. I will however make it personal to illustrate my point. In my confused reactionary state to this breast cancer recurrence, I put a lot of blame out there on my dad. It has nothing to do with him. He did the best he could always. It was me who absorbed the environment he created around me - yes, unwittingly, but I now have the choice to release and let go of that. This we did yesterday through our Journey process. I have done it before, and may have to do it again. We repeat the healing therapies that work for us until we get it! That's why I meditate every day. My little soul flame needs this constant reminder that Big Presence is totally one with her, and that perfection can only lie in the moment. Forgiveness for human limitations is a must.
Once we awaken to being alive, we have choices. The first step is acceptance of what is happening and taking full responsibility there. Now, I can take that Journey to release old emotional holding patterns, and work at being fully present with new waves, but when I take this approach to the subject of hormones, I am left with a disturbing thought. As much as I balance and take care of my personal ones, these xeno-estrogens are lurking lurking everywhere now in the environment, twenty first century. I feel overwhelmed with what has to be done here to rectify things. One big anchor is "Slow Death by Rubber Duck" and its recommendations.
Back to this particular case, I have begun the homeopathy to get me through the surgery and beyond. (www.homeopathysolutions.net) Also an acupuncture session yesterday that left me yawning like a baby birdie and again another deep sleep. All good. No more complementary therapies now until after the surgery and we know what else we are dealing with. All for today. Su-An
2/3/10
Complementary Therapies begin
I sat yesterday for an hour with a Journey (C) practitioner, (www.iris-journey.com)
The practitioner asks skilful questions that release deep emotional blockages - emotions that were suppressed and/or repressed at the time of the feeling. Emotional intelligence is hard to find for many reasons, the main one being ignorance of its existence. When we begin to be curious about how it functions, our lives become a whole lot easier. Emotions are simply energy in motion - e-motion. The healthiest way to deal with them is to welcome them in, give them their air time and then see them off at the door. That whole process should take no longer than 90 seconds. Another one of those practices where implementation is way more difficult than it sounds.
Needless to say, my inner being (part of the mind sheath) is rippled with these blocks. What I see is that it is not so important to delve into the cause as to ask myself how they are serving me in this life, and how would things be if I let them go?
The process is concerned with images and feelings, opening layer upon layer until we reach the crux of the human condition, its full rawness exposed.
Afterwards I was ravenously hungry and slept like a dead person. Does that mean it worked? Time will tell!
Today we go for acupuncture...........let's see what that brings.
Su-An
The practitioner asks skilful questions that release deep emotional blockages - emotions that were suppressed and/or repressed at the time of the feeling. Emotional intelligence is hard to find for many reasons, the main one being ignorance of its existence. When we begin to be curious about how it functions, our lives become a whole lot easier. Emotions are simply energy in motion - e-motion. The healthiest way to deal with them is to welcome them in, give them their air time and then see them off at the door. That whole process should take no longer than 90 seconds. Another one of those practices where implementation is way more difficult than it sounds.
Needless to say, my inner being (part of the mind sheath) is rippled with these blocks. What I see is that it is not so important to delve into the cause as to ask myself how they are serving me in this life, and how would things be if I let them go?
The process is concerned with images and feelings, opening layer upon layer until we reach the crux of the human condition, its full rawness exposed.
Afterwards I was ravenously hungry and slept like a dead person. Does that mean it worked? Time will tell!
Today we go for acupuncture...........let's see what that brings.
Su-An
1/30/10
How I spent one Wednesday
First let me say I have only enormous appreciation and gratitude for all of those folks who work at hospitals. Multi-tasking every day - layer upon layer of sorting information, demand upon demand of folks dealing with issues ranging from language through pain to ignorance and fear.
It took me an hour of waiting to realise that I needed to have a little more control over what was happening. My appointment to see a nurse and doctor was before one for a pelvic and abdominal ultrasound that demanded fasting, drinking copious amounts of water and not peeing. Not surprisingly the doctor/nurse information appointment was late. This made for a very full bladder along with unnecessary stress while I made a fuss to be ultrasounded before my bladder burst. In retrospect, I should have been ultrasounded during that hour wait, but what did I know. Only when I woke up to how hospitals run did I realise the importance of taking a number to get in line to take another number to get to see the right person.
As always the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and as long as I am polite and deferential things can go my way. To panic or succumb to helplessness and fear is most dangerous.
So we did the physical tests. I have the blood pressure of a 20 year old girl. I am in good shape. I can touch my toes. I eat the right things to prevent cancer. But still the bird has its claws in my neck. That was a dream I had. It swooped from the sky and dug its energy in there. The good news is that I called for help. And I continue to call on all levels.
The nurse told me all what to expect apres surgery - what to do - what to wear - what not to do. Somewhat overwhelming, but I began to allow myself to remember the last time, and will process it all in due course.
Two ultrasounds, an ECG and blood tests later and we were allowed to leave after a gruelling, brutal 5 hours of bodily invasion, blood letting and total loss of dignity. I came home and slept like the proverbial babe.
At least that part is over. Su-An
It took me an hour of waiting to realise that I needed to have a little more control over what was happening. My appointment to see a nurse and doctor was before one for a pelvic and abdominal ultrasound that demanded fasting, drinking copious amounts of water and not peeing. Not surprisingly the doctor/nurse information appointment was late. This made for a very full bladder along with unnecessary stress while I made a fuss to be ultrasounded before my bladder burst. In retrospect, I should have been ultrasounded during that hour wait, but what did I know. Only when I woke up to how hospitals run did I realise the importance of taking a number to get in line to take another number to get to see the right person.
As always the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and as long as I am polite and deferential things can go my way. To panic or succumb to helplessness and fear is most dangerous.
So we did the physical tests. I have the blood pressure of a 20 year old girl. I am in good shape. I can touch my toes. I eat the right things to prevent cancer. But still the bird has its claws in my neck. That was a dream I had. It swooped from the sky and dug its energy in there. The good news is that I called for help. And I continue to call on all levels.
The nurse told me all what to expect apres surgery - what to do - what to wear - what not to do. Somewhat overwhelming, but I began to allow myself to remember the last time, and will process it all in due course.
Two ultrasounds, an ECG and blood tests later and we were allowed to leave after a gruelling, brutal 5 hours of bodily invasion, blood letting and total loss of dignity. I came home and slept like the proverbial babe.
At least that part is over. Su-An
1/24/10
Front runner
As I zoom in on hormonal links to this and that, it becomes very clear that not much is known about post post menopausal women and hormones. Research and education is catching up on all the ages up to menopause, but 10 years after? 20 years after? It will be my baby-boomer generation demanding this news as we start to live more than half our lives outside of menopause. (age 0-12 and 55-100 gives us a good 50+ years without monthly bleeding.) Think about that for a minute. The implications and ramifications are huge on so many levels, personal and planetary. So once again I am ahead of my time. This has been somewhat of a theme in my life - early in the game, but never 100% poised to take advantage of it. Finally I had thought a possibility with what I have created over the last 8 years, except I see I have neither the support nor the funds to see it through. The real work of course will be on the level of ego and marvelling at its constant need to reaffirm itself. There must be another way - this journey to discover it.
All for now, Su-An
All for now, Su-An
1/20/10
The hospital revisited
All day medical tests - the staff says I won't feel the pinch, but I do. I feel everything.
I sat for a while in reception, watching. The parking lot was full, the place humming. This meeting place has taken over from the community centre and the mall. I experimented my latest alchemical practice, breathing in pain, breathing out love.
Vignettes of old man pushing old wife in new wheelchair - poor fellow - only by chance did she get the easy chair first. Another guy waiting; upon a small hello from my side, he released a torrent of suffering. He couldn't breathe. It's a strange place a hospital. I sat a while in the very small chapel and meditated. One enormous animal of a hospital for the body and one tiny room for the soul - somewhere I think we have gotten things back to front.
So begins my journey into this world. I accept where I am with it. I accept where I am with it. I accept where I am with it. (This acceptance stuff is not easy!) I accept where I am with it. Next set of tests in one week. Su-An
I sat for a while in reception, watching. The parking lot was full, the place humming. This meeting place has taken over from the community centre and the mall. I experimented my latest alchemical practice, breathing in pain, breathing out love.
Vignettes of old man pushing old wife in new wheelchair - poor fellow - only by chance did she get the easy chair first. Another guy waiting; upon a small hello from my side, he released a torrent of suffering. He couldn't breathe. It's a strange place a hospital. I sat a while in the very small chapel and meditated. One enormous animal of a hospital for the body and one tiny room for the soul - somewhere I think we have gotten things back to front.
So begins my journey into this world. I accept where I am with it. I accept where I am with it. I accept where I am with it. (This acceptance stuff is not easy!) I accept where I am with it. Next set of tests in one week. Su-An
1/14/10
Reality check
I am beginning to see that I approach life with some naivete. As I talk with folks about hormones, I realise that it isn't as simple as it sounds. I can balance the ones in my body all I like, but I will still be at the mercy of those xeno-estrogens lurking in the environment. Please read: Slow Death by Rubber Duck if you haven't already. You can find it at http://slowdeathbyrubberduck.com/ or http://www.amazon.ca
It is one scary story of "how the toxic chemistry of everyday life affects our health."
The good news so far is that we have the surgery time tabled and also all the tests needed beforehand. That was a mammoth job during the last 3 days. Precious time taken from work projects to call hospitals, ask for appointments, leave messages, get called back with rejections and starting the whole process over. But we did it. Now the journey begins.
I also had my first N.A.E.T. treatment for allergic responses to calcium, soy, beans, amino acids and ....hormones. I have upped my calcium intake to 2,000mg per day and vitamin D to 2,000I.U. for help with the sleep cat-naps.
Today it hit me quite forcefully that I will be out of commission for a while. Maybe even longer. Who knows. In light of that I am asking for donations towards living costs. Am I really going through this nightmare one more time. Too hard to fathom. Signing out, SF
It is one scary story of "how the toxic chemistry of everyday life affects our health."
The good news so far is that we have the surgery time tabled and also all the tests needed beforehand. That was a mammoth job during the last 3 days. Precious time taken from work projects to call hospitals, ask for appointments, leave messages, get called back with rejections and starting the whole process over. But we did it. Now the journey begins.
I also had my first N.A.E.T. treatment for allergic responses to calcium, soy, beans, amino acids and ....hormones. I have upped my calcium intake to 2,000mg per day and vitamin D to 2,000I.U. for help with the sleep cat-naps.
Today it hit me quite forcefully that I will be out of commission for a while. Maybe even longer. Who knows. In light of that I am asking for donations towards living costs. Am I really going through this nightmare one more time. Too hard to fathom. Signing out, SF
1/11/10
11.01.10
The reason I called myself a fractal or a mirror the other day is because this new lump is a mirror image of the old in the second breast - is there some message in that? All I can say is that it is a good thing I only have 2 of them.
This lump, like the last, loves estrogen. Guess what? My body is allergic to estrogen. It is rejecting it and the cancer is gobbling it up. Talk about hormone disconnect. There have been a couple of Groundhog Day moments back to the time of the first diagnosis - like being given a big box of chocolates practically on the day I am vowed to stop all, but all, sugar. And then finding myself craving the yoghurt (dairy/estrogen)one day before Christmas. Warning signs, not to mention my intuitive sense that my kidney and liver need some help.
I will say that my dietary excellence and optimal lifestyle habits work up to a point, because I am alive, but ultimately, it's just not in our hands....... Today we contemplated death and the wonder of life. I shovelled snow with a relish.
I also called the clinic to ask them to proceed with the arrangements for the surgery. I am being offered many healing treatments. Stay tuned!
Enough for today. SA
This lump, like the last, loves estrogen. Guess what? My body is allergic to estrogen. It is rejecting it and the cancer is gobbling it up. Talk about hormone disconnect. There have been a couple of Groundhog Day moments back to the time of the first diagnosis - like being given a big box of chocolates practically on the day I am vowed to stop all, but all, sugar. And then finding myself craving the yoghurt (dairy/estrogen)one day before Christmas. Warning signs, not to mention my intuitive sense that my kidney and liver need some help.
I will say that my dietary excellence and optimal lifestyle habits work up to a point, because I am alive, but ultimately, it's just not in our hands....... Today we contemplated death and the wonder of life. I shovelled snow with a relish.
I also called the clinic to ask them to proceed with the arrangements for the surgery. I am being offered many healing treatments. Stay tuned!
Enough for today. SA
1/10/10
100110
Powerful numbers for the day -10 01 10 or 01 10 10 or 01 10 20 10 - whatever way you look at it - pretty darn good........
Today I sat with a group of healing practitioners and began to create a plan of healing using complementary therapies. Loosely the following:
Pursue allergy release with a NAET practitioner over time.
Do lymphatic massage after surgery - repeat and add rebounding daily.
Before the op - Therapeutic Touch
Right after op - Praanic Healing
later - Emotional clearing of dad/Aura polishing/Hormone adjustment
Let's see if it works! How I am in 1 year, 5, 10 - let's say we'll look at my health state then and see what has worked. I guess if I am alive I can say it is working. After that, really it's a matter of whatever gets you through the night - whatever works. It's just that I have this very strong feeling/idea that the body can live forever. How stupid can a person get? Yet, still I try - my new dance. I know who will win in the end. That death God Yam, he came and told me last time that he'd be waiting for me. But we can certainly give him a good run for his money. So bury me with a dollar in my hand as payment for his pleasure.......good song title, but please burn, not bury, otherwise my soul will not be liberated.
Enough for today - day one of my action plan, day ten of the new year, month one, year one of the decade,
Su-An the mirror
Today I sat with a group of healing practitioners and began to create a plan of healing using complementary therapies. Loosely the following:
Pursue allergy release with a NAET practitioner over time.
Do lymphatic massage after surgery - repeat and add rebounding daily.
Before the op - Therapeutic Touch
Right after op - Praanic Healing
later - Emotional clearing of dad/Aura polishing/Hormone adjustment
Let's see if it works! How I am in 1 year, 5, 10 - let's say we'll look at my health state then and see what has worked. I guess if I am alive I can say it is working. After that, really it's a matter of whatever gets you through the night - whatever works. It's just that I have this very strong feeling/idea that the body can live forever. How stupid can a person get? Yet, still I try - my new dance. I know who will win in the end. That death God Yam, he came and told me last time that he'd be waiting for me. But we can certainly give him a good run for his money. So bury me with a dollar in my hand as payment for his pleasure.......good song title, but please burn, not bury, otherwise my soul will not be liberated.
Enough for today - day one of my action plan, day ten of the new year, month one, year one of the decade,
Su-An the mirror
1/9/10
So, here we are - 2 weeks and 3 days after the tumour alert. I got through those days in varying degrees of panic, from being totally melted to -----well, the whole gamut - denial, anger - yes, pissed at my dad for having such old genes - at 60 after his hey-day. One point in his favour is that his initial ones would have been of survival quality.
And talking of my dad, there may be some work to do here with his memory, as from the emotional angle, the left breast deals with parents and children. I was holding this left baby the other day when it suddenly came into my head that I cannot remember ever having a conversation with my father apart from at the dining table. And beyond the age of 5 - before that I would cuddle up on his lap and he would tell me a story - beyond that, I cannot recall any moment when we exchanged a hug - the only affection being my dutiful kiss on his forehead before I went to bed. When I see the amazing relating that occurs between fathers and children in my neighbourhood I start to wonder what issues lurk there for release in my breast. Let's see what the emotional healers do with that!
And here my blog purpose - to record this second dance around with breast cancer. In the second breast. My thinking it is well related to hormones. Everything has been tickety-boo until now - and it is a year and a half since I stopped taking Arimidex to decrease my estrogen production. Is there a connection?
This following from the website:
womenshealth.gov Home
Hormone receptors — About two-thirds of all breast cancers contain significant levels of estrogen receptors, which means the tumors are estrogen receptor positive (ER+). ER+ tumors tend to grow less aggressively and may respond favorably to treatment with hormones.
Hormone therapy is used for breast cancers that are estrogen receptor-positive. This means that the female hormone estrogen stimulates this type of breast cancer to grow. Hormone therapy stops cancer cells from growing by reducing the production of hormones or blocking their action. Hormone therapy is not indicated if breast cancer is estrogen receptor-negative. Hormone therapy includes:
Tamoxifen (tuh-MOK-suh-fen) — A drug that blocks estrogen’s action. Tamoxifen slightly increases the risk of blood clots and uterine cancer in women who have a uterus. It is usually taken for 5 years.
Aromatase (uh-ROH-muh-tayz) inhibitors — Drugs that decrease the production of estrogen. It is given to some postmenopausal women who have hormone-dependent breast cancer. This is breast cancer that needs estrogen to grow. Aromatase inhibitors are taken for 5 years. Women who take tamoxifen often take an aromatase inhibitor after the tamoxifen treatment is done.
Ovarian ablation (oh-VAIR-ee-uhn uh-BLAY-shuhn) — Surgery, radiation, or drugs stop the ovaries from making estrogen in premenopausal women.
So there you have it - the purpose of the blog - to see, once we have taken out tumour and maybe even radiated. we are left with the huge black hole can of worms hot potato hormones. I will fight to not do Arimidex again, or try Tamoxifen or Ralooxifene or any other unnatural or unbiologial substance. I will do my own clinical trial study on natural ways to balance my hormones. And if it doesn't work, well then we reconsider the above.
All for now, Su-An the Fractal
And talking of my dad, there may be some work to do here with his memory, as from the emotional angle, the left breast deals with parents and children. I was holding this left baby the other day when it suddenly came into my head that I cannot remember ever having a conversation with my father apart from at the dining table. And beyond the age of 5 - before that I would cuddle up on his lap and he would tell me a story - beyond that, I cannot recall any moment when we exchanged a hug - the only affection being my dutiful kiss on his forehead before I went to bed. When I see the amazing relating that occurs between fathers and children in my neighbourhood I start to wonder what issues lurk there for release in my breast. Let's see what the emotional healers do with that!
And here my blog purpose - to record this second dance around with breast cancer. In the second breast. My thinking it is well related to hormones. Everything has been tickety-boo until now - and it is a year and a half since I stopped taking Arimidex to decrease my estrogen production. Is there a connection?
This following from the website:
womenshealth.gov Home
Hormone receptors — About two-thirds of all breast cancers contain significant levels of estrogen receptors, which means the tumors are estrogen receptor positive (ER+). ER+ tumors tend to grow less aggressively and may respond favorably to treatment with hormones.
Hormone therapy is used for breast cancers that are estrogen receptor-positive. This means that the female hormone estrogen stimulates this type of breast cancer to grow. Hormone therapy stops cancer cells from growing by reducing the production of hormones or blocking their action. Hormone therapy is not indicated if breast cancer is estrogen receptor-negative. Hormone therapy includes:
Tamoxifen (tuh-MOK-suh-fen) — A drug that blocks estrogen’s action. Tamoxifen slightly increases the risk of blood clots and uterine cancer in women who have a uterus. It is usually taken for 5 years.
Aromatase (uh-ROH-muh-tayz) inhibitors — Drugs that decrease the production of estrogen. It is given to some postmenopausal women who have hormone-dependent breast cancer. This is breast cancer that needs estrogen to grow. Aromatase inhibitors are taken for 5 years. Women who take tamoxifen often take an aromatase inhibitor after the tamoxifen treatment is done.
Ovarian ablation (oh-VAIR-ee-uhn uh-BLAY-shuhn) — Surgery, radiation, or drugs stop the ovaries from making estrogen in premenopausal women.
So there you have it - the purpose of the blog - to see, once we have taken out tumour and maybe even radiated. we are left with the huge black hole can of worms hot potato hormones. I will fight to not do Arimidex again, or try Tamoxifen or Ralooxifene or any other unnatural or unbiologial substance. I will do my own clinical trial study on natural ways to balance my hormones. And if it doesn't work, well then we reconsider the above.
All for now, Su-An the Fractal
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