First let me say I have only enormous appreciation and gratitude for all of those folks who work at hospitals. Multi-tasking every day - layer upon layer of sorting information, demand upon demand of folks dealing with issues ranging from language through pain to ignorance and fear.
It took me an hour of waiting to realise that I needed to have a little more control over what was happening. My appointment to see a nurse and doctor was before one for a pelvic and abdominal ultrasound that demanded fasting, drinking copious amounts of water and not peeing. Not surprisingly the doctor/nurse information appointment was late. This made for a very full bladder along with unnecessary stress while I made a fuss to be ultrasounded before my bladder burst. In retrospect, I should have been ultrasounded during that hour wait, but what did I know. Only when I woke up to how hospitals run did I realise the importance of taking a number to get in line to take another number to get to see the right person.
As always the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and as long as I am polite and deferential things can go my way. To panic or succumb to helplessness and fear is most dangerous.
So we did the physical tests. I have the blood pressure of a 20 year old girl. I am in good shape. I can touch my toes. I eat the right things to prevent cancer. But still the bird has its claws in my neck. That was a dream I had. It swooped from the sky and dug its energy in there. The good news is that I called for help. And I continue to call on all levels.
The nurse told me all what to expect apres surgery - what to do - what to wear - what not to do. Somewhat overwhelming, but I began to allow myself to remember the last time, and will process it all in due course.
Two ultrasounds, an ECG and blood tests later and we were allowed to leave after a gruelling, brutal 5 hours of bodily invasion, blood letting and total loss of dignity. I came home and slept like the proverbial babe.
At least that part is over. Su-An
1/24/10
Front runner
As I zoom in on hormonal links to this and that, it becomes very clear that not much is known about post post menopausal women and hormones. Research and education is catching up on all the ages up to menopause, but 10 years after? 20 years after? It will be my baby-boomer generation demanding this news as we start to live more than half our lives outside of menopause. (age 0-12 and 55-100 gives us a good 50+ years without monthly bleeding.) Think about that for a minute. The implications and ramifications are huge on so many levels, personal and planetary. So once again I am ahead of my time. This has been somewhat of a theme in my life - early in the game, but never 100% poised to take advantage of it. Finally I had thought a possibility with what I have created over the last 8 years, except I see I have neither the support nor the funds to see it through. The real work of course will be on the level of ego and marvelling at its constant need to reaffirm itself. There must be another way - this journey to discover it.
All for now, Su-An
All for now, Su-An
1/20/10
The hospital revisited
All day medical tests - the staff says I won't feel the pinch, but I do. I feel everything.
I sat for a while in reception, watching. The parking lot was full, the place humming. This meeting place has taken over from the community centre and the mall. I experimented my latest alchemical practice, breathing in pain, breathing out love.
Vignettes of old man pushing old wife in new wheelchair - poor fellow - only by chance did she get the easy chair first. Another guy waiting; upon a small hello from my side, he released a torrent of suffering. He couldn't breathe. It's a strange place a hospital. I sat a while in the very small chapel and meditated. One enormous animal of a hospital for the body and one tiny room for the soul - somewhere I think we have gotten things back to front.
So begins my journey into this world. I accept where I am with it. I accept where I am with it. I accept where I am with it. (This acceptance stuff is not easy!) I accept where I am with it. Next set of tests in one week. Su-An
I sat for a while in reception, watching. The parking lot was full, the place humming. This meeting place has taken over from the community centre and the mall. I experimented my latest alchemical practice, breathing in pain, breathing out love.
Vignettes of old man pushing old wife in new wheelchair - poor fellow - only by chance did she get the easy chair first. Another guy waiting; upon a small hello from my side, he released a torrent of suffering. He couldn't breathe. It's a strange place a hospital. I sat a while in the very small chapel and meditated. One enormous animal of a hospital for the body and one tiny room for the soul - somewhere I think we have gotten things back to front.
So begins my journey into this world. I accept where I am with it. I accept where I am with it. I accept where I am with it. (This acceptance stuff is not easy!) I accept where I am with it. Next set of tests in one week. Su-An
1/14/10
Reality check
I am beginning to see that I approach life with some naivete. As I talk with folks about hormones, I realise that it isn't as simple as it sounds. I can balance the ones in my body all I like, but I will still be at the mercy of those xeno-estrogens lurking in the environment. Please read: Slow Death by Rubber Duck if you haven't already. You can find it at http://slowdeathbyrubberduck.com/ or http://www.amazon.ca
It is one scary story of "how the toxic chemistry of everyday life affects our health."
The good news so far is that we have the surgery time tabled and also all the tests needed beforehand. That was a mammoth job during the last 3 days. Precious time taken from work projects to call hospitals, ask for appointments, leave messages, get called back with rejections and starting the whole process over. But we did it. Now the journey begins.
I also had my first N.A.E.T. treatment for allergic responses to calcium, soy, beans, amino acids and ....hormones. I have upped my calcium intake to 2,000mg per day and vitamin D to 2,000I.U. for help with the sleep cat-naps.
Today it hit me quite forcefully that I will be out of commission for a while. Maybe even longer. Who knows. In light of that I am asking for donations towards living costs. Am I really going through this nightmare one more time. Too hard to fathom. Signing out, SF
It is one scary story of "how the toxic chemistry of everyday life affects our health."
The good news so far is that we have the surgery time tabled and also all the tests needed beforehand. That was a mammoth job during the last 3 days. Precious time taken from work projects to call hospitals, ask for appointments, leave messages, get called back with rejections and starting the whole process over. But we did it. Now the journey begins.
I also had my first N.A.E.T. treatment for allergic responses to calcium, soy, beans, amino acids and ....hormones. I have upped my calcium intake to 2,000mg per day and vitamin D to 2,000I.U. for help with the sleep cat-naps.
Today it hit me quite forcefully that I will be out of commission for a while. Maybe even longer. Who knows. In light of that I am asking for donations towards living costs. Am I really going through this nightmare one more time. Too hard to fathom. Signing out, SF
1/11/10
11.01.10
The reason I called myself a fractal or a mirror the other day is because this new lump is a mirror image of the old in the second breast - is there some message in that? All I can say is that it is a good thing I only have 2 of them.
This lump, like the last, loves estrogen. Guess what? My body is allergic to estrogen. It is rejecting it and the cancer is gobbling it up. Talk about hormone disconnect. There have been a couple of Groundhog Day moments back to the time of the first diagnosis - like being given a big box of chocolates practically on the day I am vowed to stop all, but all, sugar. And then finding myself craving the yoghurt (dairy/estrogen)one day before Christmas. Warning signs, not to mention my intuitive sense that my kidney and liver need some help.
I will say that my dietary excellence and optimal lifestyle habits work up to a point, because I am alive, but ultimately, it's just not in our hands....... Today we contemplated death and the wonder of life. I shovelled snow with a relish.
I also called the clinic to ask them to proceed with the arrangements for the surgery. I am being offered many healing treatments. Stay tuned!
Enough for today. SA
This lump, like the last, loves estrogen. Guess what? My body is allergic to estrogen. It is rejecting it and the cancer is gobbling it up. Talk about hormone disconnect. There have been a couple of Groundhog Day moments back to the time of the first diagnosis - like being given a big box of chocolates practically on the day I am vowed to stop all, but all, sugar. And then finding myself craving the yoghurt (dairy/estrogen)one day before Christmas. Warning signs, not to mention my intuitive sense that my kidney and liver need some help.
I will say that my dietary excellence and optimal lifestyle habits work up to a point, because I am alive, but ultimately, it's just not in our hands....... Today we contemplated death and the wonder of life. I shovelled snow with a relish.
I also called the clinic to ask them to proceed with the arrangements for the surgery. I am being offered many healing treatments. Stay tuned!
Enough for today. SA
1/10/10
100110
Powerful numbers for the day -10 01 10 or 01 10 10 or 01 10 20 10 - whatever way you look at it - pretty darn good........
Today I sat with a group of healing practitioners and began to create a plan of healing using complementary therapies. Loosely the following:
Pursue allergy release with a NAET practitioner over time.
Do lymphatic massage after surgery - repeat and add rebounding daily.
Before the op - Therapeutic Touch
Right after op - Praanic Healing
later - Emotional clearing of dad/Aura polishing/Hormone adjustment
Let's see if it works! How I am in 1 year, 5, 10 - let's say we'll look at my health state then and see what has worked. I guess if I am alive I can say it is working. After that, really it's a matter of whatever gets you through the night - whatever works. It's just that I have this very strong feeling/idea that the body can live forever. How stupid can a person get? Yet, still I try - my new dance. I know who will win in the end. That death God Yam, he came and told me last time that he'd be waiting for me. But we can certainly give him a good run for his money. So bury me with a dollar in my hand as payment for his pleasure.......good song title, but please burn, not bury, otherwise my soul will not be liberated.
Enough for today - day one of my action plan, day ten of the new year, month one, year one of the decade,
Su-An the mirror
Today I sat with a group of healing practitioners and began to create a plan of healing using complementary therapies. Loosely the following:
Pursue allergy release with a NAET practitioner over time.
Do lymphatic massage after surgery - repeat and add rebounding daily.
Before the op - Therapeutic Touch
Right after op - Praanic Healing
later - Emotional clearing of dad/Aura polishing/Hormone adjustment
Let's see if it works! How I am in 1 year, 5, 10 - let's say we'll look at my health state then and see what has worked. I guess if I am alive I can say it is working. After that, really it's a matter of whatever gets you through the night - whatever works. It's just that I have this very strong feeling/idea that the body can live forever. How stupid can a person get? Yet, still I try - my new dance. I know who will win in the end. That death God Yam, he came and told me last time that he'd be waiting for me. But we can certainly give him a good run for his money. So bury me with a dollar in my hand as payment for his pleasure.......good song title, but please burn, not bury, otherwise my soul will not be liberated.
Enough for today - day one of my action plan, day ten of the new year, month one, year one of the decade,
Su-An the mirror
1/9/10
So, here we are - 2 weeks and 3 days after the tumour alert. I got through those days in varying degrees of panic, from being totally melted to -----well, the whole gamut - denial, anger - yes, pissed at my dad for having such old genes - at 60 after his hey-day. One point in his favour is that his initial ones would have been of survival quality.
And talking of my dad, there may be some work to do here with his memory, as from the emotional angle, the left breast deals with parents and children. I was holding this left baby the other day when it suddenly came into my head that I cannot remember ever having a conversation with my father apart from at the dining table. And beyond the age of 5 - before that I would cuddle up on his lap and he would tell me a story - beyond that, I cannot recall any moment when we exchanged a hug - the only affection being my dutiful kiss on his forehead before I went to bed. When I see the amazing relating that occurs between fathers and children in my neighbourhood I start to wonder what issues lurk there for release in my breast. Let's see what the emotional healers do with that!
And here my blog purpose - to record this second dance around with breast cancer. In the second breast. My thinking it is well related to hormones. Everything has been tickety-boo until now - and it is a year and a half since I stopped taking Arimidex to decrease my estrogen production. Is there a connection?
This following from the website:
womenshealth.gov Home
Hormone receptors — About two-thirds of all breast cancers contain significant levels of estrogen receptors, which means the tumors are estrogen receptor positive (ER+). ER+ tumors tend to grow less aggressively and may respond favorably to treatment with hormones.
Hormone therapy is used for breast cancers that are estrogen receptor-positive. This means that the female hormone estrogen stimulates this type of breast cancer to grow. Hormone therapy stops cancer cells from growing by reducing the production of hormones or blocking their action. Hormone therapy is not indicated if breast cancer is estrogen receptor-negative. Hormone therapy includes:
Tamoxifen (tuh-MOK-suh-fen) — A drug that blocks estrogen’s action. Tamoxifen slightly increases the risk of blood clots and uterine cancer in women who have a uterus. It is usually taken for 5 years.
Aromatase (uh-ROH-muh-tayz) inhibitors — Drugs that decrease the production of estrogen. It is given to some postmenopausal women who have hormone-dependent breast cancer. This is breast cancer that needs estrogen to grow. Aromatase inhibitors are taken for 5 years. Women who take tamoxifen often take an aromatase inhibitor after the tamoxifen treatment is done.
Ovarian ablation (oh-VAIR-ee-uhn uh-BLAY-shuhn) — Surgery, radiation, or drugs stop the ovaries from making estrogen in premenopausal women.
So there you have it - the purpose of the blog - to see, once we have taken out tumour and maybe even radiated. we are left with the huge black hole can of worms hot potato hormones. I will fight to not do Arimidex again, or try Tamoxifen or Ralooxifene or any other unnatural or unbiologial substance. I will do my own clinical trial study on natural ways to balance my hormones. And if it doesn't work, well then we reconsider the above.
All for now, Su-An the Fractal
And talking of my dad, there may be some work to do here with his memory, as from the emotional angle, the left breast deals with parents and children. I was holding this left baby the other day when it suddenly came into my head that I cannot remember ever having a conversation with my father apart from at the dining table. And beyond the age of 5 - before that I would cuddle up on his lap and he would tell me a story - beyond that, I cannot recall any moment when we exchanged a hug - the only affection being my dutiful kiss on his forehead before I went to bed. When I see the amazing relating that occurs between fathers and children in my neighbourhood I start to wonder what issues lurk there for release in my breast. Let's see what the emotional healers do with that!
And here my blog purpose - to record this second dance around with breast cancer. In the second breast. My thinking it is well related to hormones. Everything has been tickety-boo until now - and it is a year and a half since I stopped taking Arimidex to decrease my estrogen production. Is there a connection?
This following from the website:
womenshealth.gov Home
Hormone receptors — About two-thirds of all breast cancers contain significant levels of estrogen receptors, which means the tumors are estrogen receptor positive (ER+). ER+ tumors tend to grow less aggressively and may respond favorably to treatment with hormones.
Hormone therapy is used for breast cancers that are estrogen receptor-positive. This means that the female hormone estrogen stimulates this type of breast cancer to grow. Hormone therapy stops cancer cells from growing by reducing the production of hormones or blocking their action. Hormone therapy is not indicated if breast cancer is estrogen receptor-negative. Hormone therapy includes:
Tamoxifen (tuh-MOK-suh-fen) — A drug that blocks estrogen’s action. Tamoxifen slightly increases the risk of blood clots and uterine cancer in women who have a uterus. It is usually taken for 5 years.
Aromatase (uh-ROH-muh-tayz) inhibitors — Drugs that decrease the production of estrogen. It is given to some postmenopausal women who have hormone-dependent breast cancer. This is breast cancer that needs estrogen to grow. Aromatase inhibitors are taken for 5 years. Women who take tamoxifen often take an aromatase inhibitor after the tamoxifen treatment is done.
Ovarian ablation (oh-VAIR-ee-uhn uh-BLAY-shuhn) — Surgery, radiation, or drugs stop the ovaries from making estrogen in premenopausal women.
So there you have it - the purpose of the blog - to see, once we have taken out tumour and maybe even radiated. we are left with the huge black hole can of worms hot potato hormones. I will fight to not do Arimidex again, or try Tamoxifen or Ralooxifene or any other unnatural or unbiologial substance. I will do my own clinical trial study on natural ways to balance my hormones. And if it doesn't work, well then we reconsider the above.
All for now, Su-An the Fractal
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