A day of boxes or boxing? Neither for me - I want to be open to the sky and embrace before fighting. Thus my insistence on acceptance first and first of all steps. The closest I can come to is that I accept that my doctor thinks I have a tumour. In my head and heart and breast I hope it is a benign cyst. It could well be that. At the time of the right side stuff, there was cancer in situ here, but I got rid of that with the excellent dietary and lifestyle changes I adopted, but it does mean I have a tendency for growths.
Emotionally it is connected with the loss of parent or child 2 years prior. Now my cat only left one month ago, so maybe I am processing more quickly. Is that an out-to-lunch possibility? Who knows.
So this is my idea.
· First get used to dealing with this and not worry about it until I at least have the results.
· Moratorium on anything the slightest bit dairy or sugar for the next 2 weeks – not that I have a lot, but I do some.
· Continue this blog - this journey - this process. If at all this lump is cancerous, I will do surgery, even radiation, but chemo?! That thought calls for a major "Argh!!!" to the universe. As for hormonal therapy, and this is where I want to bargain, I will ask for a time frame (6 months?) and do all the healing modalities that come into my head and heart: be my own guinea pig – maybe someone will want to monitor it as a university study – complementary therapies versus allopathic. God knows that health is a hot potato, with allopaths leading the field, but all complements galloping up from behind. I was interviewed a couple of months ago by one student on my last cancer trip - his assignment to do that. He got an A- for the work. All down the road, but the blog is begun! And the energy is there thank the Lord.
A demain, SF
12/26/09
12/25/09
ChristmasDay2009
"Start blogging........." the instructions said. A year ago I had no inkling of this word - blogging. (Noggin, snoggin, foggin, doggin, but bloggin?), and now I am excited to try it. Mind you, I have been propelled towards it by some force as if from left field.
Wednesday evening last I watched 'Julie and Julia', - Julia Childs as seen through Julia New York who creates a blog as she aligns purpose with goals and decides to give herself so many days to cook her way through the cookbook that rocked a generation of Americans.
I found the movie bland whilst watching - yet later was oddly challenged to do something similar. To clarify my vision, and once alignment can take place, move towards detailed action.
It would have stayed a passing fancy had I not received the news 3 days ago that my surgical oncologist believes I have a tumour growing in my left breast. "NO no NO" my heart cries and I run through the stages of grief, one after another until I can come to rest at bargaining. That is where I am 2 days later. There was a full day of denial where I chomped into cheezy pizza and smeared toast with butter. How could this happen!!!!
I have been searching the right affirmation for my acceptance practice and the closest I can come is that I accept my doctor thinks I have a tumour starting in my left breast. That much is unavoidable. But surely it is benign?! But whether yes or no, I see I have gotten slack in small things - like eating dairy now and again, not exercising enough, being too much of a control freak. It turns out I fit the cancer personality very well. So all I can say is "thankyou" to the Universe for at least keeping this temple temporary tent alive so far so well.
My initial idea that came a few hours after the news, and is still the best one I can come up with, is to check out the efficacy of the disciplines that are there for me at work in lieu of any of the following treatments: chemotherapy, hormone therapy. Maybe the university would fund a study?
That is my place of bargaining that I have reached. Denial down, anger smouldering, but I am ready to strike a bargain. Let's see what comes forth. All for today. SF
Wednesday evening last I watched 'Julie and Julia', - Julia Childs as seen through Julia New York who creates a blog as she aligns purpose with goals and decides to give herself so many days to cook her way through the cookbook that rocked a generation of Americans.
I found the movie bland whilst watching - yet later was oddly challenged to do something similar. To clarify my vision, and once alignment can take place, move towards detailed action.
It would have stayed a passing fancy had I not received the news 3 days ago that my surgical oncologist believes I have a tumour growing in my left breast. "NO no NO" my heart cries and I run through the stages of grief, one after another until I can come to rest at bargaining. That is where I am 2 days later. There was a full day of denial where I chomped into cheezy pizza and smeared toast with butter. How could this happen!!!!
I have been searching the right affirmation for my acceptance practice and the closest I can come is that I accept my doctor thinks I have a tumour starting in my left breast. That much is unavoidable. But surely it is benign?! But whether yes or no, I see I have gotten slack in small things - like eating dairy now and again, not exercising enough, being too much of a control freak. It turns out I fit the cancer personality very well. So all I can say is "thankyou" to the Universe for at least keeping this temple temporary tent alive so far so well.
My initial idea that came a few hours after the news, and is still the best one I can come up with, is to check out the efficacy of the disciplines that are there for me at work in lieu of any of the following treatments: chemotherapy, hormone therapy. Maybe the university would fund a study?
That is my place of bargaining that I have reached. Denial down, anger smouldering, but I am ready to strike a bargain. Let's see what comes forth. All for today. SF
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