ChristmasDay2009

"Start blogging........." the instructions said. A year ago I had no inkling of this word - blogging. (Noggin, snoggin, foggin, doggin, but bloggin?), and now I am excited to try it. Mind you, I have been propelled towards it by some force as if from left field.
Wednesday evening last I watched 'Julie and Julia', - Julia Childs as seen through Julia New York who creates a blog as she aligns purpose with goals and decides to give herself so many days to cook her way through the cookbook that rocked a generation of Americans.
I found the movie bland whilst watching - yet later was oddly challenged to do something similar. To clarify my vision, and once alignment can take place, move towards detailed action.
It would have stayed a passing fancy had I not received the news 3 days ago that my surgical oncologist believes I have a tumour growing in my left breast. "NO no NO" my heart cries and I run through the stages of grief, one after another until I can come to rest at bargaining. That is where I am 2 days later. There was a full day of denial where I chomped into cheezy pizza and smeared toast with butter. How could this happen!!!!
I have been searching the right affirmation for my acceptance practice and the closest I can come is that I accept my doctor thinks I have a tumour starting in my left breast. That much is unavoidable. But surely it is benign?! But whether yes or no, I see I have gotten slack in small things - like eating dairy now and again, not exercising enough, being too much of a control freak. It turns out I fit the cancer personality very well. So all I can say is "thankyou" to the Universe for at least keeping this temple temporary tent alive so far so well.
My initial idea that came a few hours after the news, and is still the best one I can come up with, is to check out the efficacy of the disciplines that are there for me at work in lieu of any of the following treatments: chemotherapy, hormone therapy. Maybe the university would fund a study?
That is my place of bargaining that I have reached. Denial down, anger smouldering, but I am ready to strike a bargain. Let's see what comes forth. All for today. SF