Feeling together enough to continue this written journey, I see now how art/poetry is created. It is well nigh impossible to record the deepest hopes and fears of the human heart in any linear way.
I am back at the bargaining table.
The medical lot are recommending radiation - practically a given, a standard procedure following surgery and I can understand that. It's like burning the ends of a plastic rope. You don't want it to fray. We burn the edges of the tumour site to erase the stray cells.
And then we consider 'adjuvant systemic therapy.' What does that mean? Cancer is considered a systemic disease, and in my case it is very receptive to hormones. Adjuvant means 'chemical substance or treatment which assists the action of another.' We are thus looking at kick-ass chemotherapy over a 12 week period - 4 lots, one every 3 weeks, intravenous and unbelievably altering on all levels from the cellular to the soul, followed by a daily medication over 5 years of a chemical substance that either reaches the cell before the hormone (Tamoxifen) or decreases the hormone production in the first place. (aromatose inhibitor).
I have been there, done that, got the T-shirt with both approaches, and that is why I am again in a place of bargaining with myself. I will not undergo both again. No, nein, non, niet, nay, na na na na na.......
As it happens, my situation is not clear cut and dried, rather like life itself. So far it seems I am at a high intermediate risk for recurrence - totally in keeping with my aptitude for another language.
My case goes before a group of medical experts on April 9th, I meet with a radiation oncologist on the 13th and meanwhile, walk the dog.
Giving myself a lot of space for what's next, I am still Su-An