Scientific proof that the chemotherapy is working

So I meet with the medical oncologist before the second treatment, and after the initial greetings and courtesies he asks: "What's new?" To that I take off my bamboo beanie that a dear friend knitted for my head and show him my bald pate. "Oh," he said, "Must be the chemo is working..........."

Healing begins

I am just reaching the end of the first 3-week chemotherapy cycle.  The initial week after the first treatment was extremely symptomatic, with all that one would expect from an atomic explosion.  Then one week later, I woke up suddenly feeling much better, and that sense has increased daily.  I now prepare for the second hit.
During this time I have been blessed with a great healing of the issues I had with my dad.  Bringing them to light and letting them go has been the process, and suddenly I find I can say the Ho'oponomo mantra with no residue emotion in the bones.   It can take a long time to heal old wounds, and it can take no time at all  - this wonderful dichotomy of life.  For a fun take on the latter, and a great belly laugh if you have 5 minutes, watch Bob Newhart's approach to therapy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1g3ENYxg9k

Today I shave my head , or rather I go to the hair salon for the professional touch to finish the job of shedding over 100,000 hairs.   I am blown away by what the Creative Intelligence has evolved in the creation of the human being, especially right now the wonderful aspect of hair..............
Stay tuned for round two, Soon-to-be-bald-Su-An

One down - three to go!

I am just ending the first crucial 48 hours after a 6 hour induction into chemical therapy for cancer. It appears that during this time the chemicals are transformed and excreted.  Their side effects will manifest in 7-10 days.  I am receiving  a cocktail of Taxol with Carboplat.  I sense that the latter has some heavy metal in it, but to my surprise I have discovered that Taxol is derived from the poison of yew trees.  Now how interesting is that!
In England, yew trees are found around cemeteries - the wood is also used for archers' bows, and these 2 facts speak to me.  In India, one of the big guys - Lord Shiv - he goes to cemeteries to better meditate on the transient nature of the body.  He also drank poison to purify the world.  The area where I lived in the Himalayas is very fond of Lord Shiv, because that is his stomping ground - there are many temples and mountains named after him.  I also developed a great appreciation for his powers to help and guide me across this ocean of life, and so it is with this connection, I have been singing his praises since this realisation.
The other element concerns the Amazon women who deliberately gave themselves mastectomies so they could better wield their bow and arrows for hunting.  There is a link there.

This discovery has fuelled my visualisation for this chemo journey.  I will tell you what I have come up with.
First I blow up a chi balloon around my body - just breathing, but visualising that I am creating  a chi balloon with the body bag inside.  Next comes a small entrance on the level of a vein which leads to the blood supply.  In there creep hundreds of miniature, invisible Ninja warriors who start circulating; their mission is to destroy the cancer cells by popping them like bubble wrap.  Check out this site!
http://fun.from.hell.pl/2003-11-24/bubblewrap.swf
I am having a great time with this visualisation.  I renew it each morning by bringing in a new shift of workers.  My challenge I see is to increase my vision of numbers - it is ridiculously small!  I pop these cells one by one.  Duh!  There are trillions of cells in the body, so I need to increase my mathematical limited understanding or I will be here forever.  Maybe this will help my financial situation!

I wish to appreciate the enormous sense of care that lies in the human heart.  It comes with birth, but sometimes those familial patterns are more for resolving karma before spirit can evolve.  So we grow friends and lovers, and realise one day that the whole of humanity is our family - brothers and sisters - breathers of the one life, living on a blue pearl in the ocean of space.
I am blessed with a network of strong light beings in this family of mine.  It includes the doctors, nurses, volunteers, maintenance staff of the hospital where I am going for the treatments.  And wow, has that ever come a long way in the last 7 years.  Coming from India as I was at that time, I was used to crowded waiting rooms and peeling paints.  No big deal.  This time - proverbial chalk and cheese.  On entry, I was given a buzzer/vibrator that would quietly call me to go see the nurse or doctor.  The lovely volunteers were on hand to give a smile, a pillow or a juice.  I was visited by the pharmcist, the nurse and told that next time I can watch movies, get a chair massage, see a music therapist, a psychologist, social worker.  I almost asked for a pedicure...........
All good, except a small tinge of wondering how sick I am when my whole day (7am-6pm) is spent in a hospital...............Who can figure these things.
So far so good and that's good enough for today.
Su-An

Integration

This week saw a wonderful  advance to my project.  I have secured the help of a medical doctor who is an expert in hormones; she practices helping women naturally balance their own.  Yeah!  This is a huge step. 

I am of the opinion that we are still at the early learning stage when it comes to hormones.  I compare it to the undestanding of vitamins.  They were first discovered around a century ago and named one at a time after that.  And now, one hundred years late, we know that  there are hundreds of these micro-nutrients in one apple alone!
In other words, we are living at a very exciting time regarding our understanding of hormones.  Given that I am dealing with a hormone related cancer, I want to work with someone who understands them the best.  This week I found that person!  She has agreed to work with me after the allopathic treatments. This gives me enormous relief - I really don't have to start with Tamoxifen in the fall.  Yeah!  We did one blood test pre-chemo, and will continue the experiment come October.  And it is an experiment.  There ain't much out there regarding post-menopausal women and balanced hormones, just vague memories of elderly aunts with hairy chins and stooped backs.  Let's not go there! 

First chemo Monday morning - heavy metal induction.  I am ready as ready can be, trying not to cloud this time around with last time's memories.  Each day a new day.
Stay tuned, Su-An

Chemotherapy here we come!

I have deliberately not blogged since the last entry as I wish to stay true to my purpose and not use this space to vent, to rant, to air my mental and emotional disconcerts.  I will just record that they have been many - a good sign according to my therapist.  It shows I am not holding on to 'stuff.'
I have reached a place of acceptance  - da da - having once again passed through those stages that Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross so succinctly describes.  With all due diligence given to my situation by my doctors, my advisors and myself, I have reached the place where I choose to undergo at least one systemic therapy and thus give myself a good chance of surviving at least another 10 years in full health and happiness. This hormonal link is strong; hormones belong to the system.  Cancer in fact is a systemic disease.  I meet with the medical oncologist again next Tuesday, after which we will begin our journey into the world of metal, heavy metal.  Allopathic therapy leads the treatment focus for now.  Su-An

Allo April

Feeling together enough to continue this written journey, I see now how art/poetry is created.  It is well nigh impossible to record the deepest hopes and fears of the human heart in any linear way. 
I am back at the bargaining table.
The medical lot are recommending radiation  - practically a given, a standard procedure following surgery and I can understand that.  It's like burning the ends of a plastic rope.  You don't want it to fray.  We burn the edges of the tumour site to erase the stray cells. 
And then we consider 'adjuvant systemic therapy.'  What does that mean?  Cancer is considered a systemic disease, and in my case it is very receptive to hormones.  Adjuvant means 'chemical substance or treatment which assists the action of another.'   We are thus looking at kick-ass chemotherapy over a 12 week period - 4 lots, one every 3 weeks, intravenous and unbelievably altering on all levels from the cellular to the soul, followed by a daily medication over 5 years of a chemical substance that either reaches the cell before the hormone (Tamoxifen) or decreases the hormone production in the first place.  (aromatose inhibitor).
I have been there, done that, got the T-shirt with both approaches, and that is why I am again in a place of bargaining with myself.  I will not undergo both again.  No, nein, non, niet, nay, na na na na na.......
As it happens, my situation is not clear cut and dried, rather like life itself.  So far it seems I am at a high intermediate risk for recurrence - totally in keeping with my aptitude for another language. 
My case goes before a group of medical experts on April 9th, I meet with a radiation oncologist on the 13th and meanwhile, walk the dog.
Giving myself a lot of space for what's next, I am still Su-An

How I feel right now

2 weeks later

The results of the tumour analysis are in - but not yet known. I have an appointment for those next week. Meanwhile I have been receiving some complementary therapies along with the Sit Stay Heal program. Which ones? All rightie - a list:
* Another Journey session which obliterated some old stuck belief in the bones;
* daily pet therapy - walking a dog, feeding a cat, relating on a non-verbal level;
* lymphatic massage to get it all moving and decrease the scar tissue;
* frequent doses of funny movies and laughing out lound - this is one of the best!
* the start of a qi-gung program into the life;
* baking, talking on the phone and otherwise aimlessly connecting with friends;
* researching hormones and here I have 2 more books for you:
'Natural Hormone Balance for Women' by Uzzi Reiss, M.D./O.B.GYN. (2001)
'Sexy Hormones' by Lorna R. Vanderhaeghe, MS and Alvin Pettle, MD (2007)
Both available from Amazon, who by the way, have an amazing delivery time. Ordered on Sunday, received on Wednesday.
Lots to learn here if I am to navigate the estrogen highway without medication. Back to the SSH while I begin......................Su-An

Relief

There is an enormous sense of relief in being treated (implying gift) by a health care provider who knows the person who has the disease, as opposed to being seen (implying distance) by a professional who knows only the disease that has taken the person.
Following my experience in the Emergency Department, a visit to my surgeon gave physical, mental and emotional relief to the visible lump in my body, and the not so visible ones in my mind and heart. We are still waiting for the results of the tumour analysis - time for the SSH program to kick in - Sitting, Staying, Healing Su-An

Life's journey

Life's journey when it meets cancer is a bit like getting lost in the woods - anything can happen, and it will. These last 2 days have found me spending my afternoons and early evenings in the emergency department of the local hospital. Going for my shower that first morning I found a very large golf ball of a lump under my armpit. So that explained the tingling I was feeling at the elbow but making no connection to the wound. DUH! This is a wonderful example of the brain fog that follows a general anaesthetic, slightly reminiscent of the major brain fog that accompanies chemotherapy. The health professionals never mention these things.

My friend tells me that a visit to the Emergency Department of a hospital is a crapshoot - defined in the dictionary as a "highly uncertain venture." I agree with that. The first visit was an excellent experience, the second, totally opposite. At that point my inner resources were finished and I exited gracefully stage left.
Comment on the weekend: Life's journey is a crapshoot.
Su-An

Sit Stay Heal

Pema Chodron tells the story of someone sending her a card in the shape of a doggie bone with the words "Sit, Stay, Heal" on it. I like that. It reminds me of the importance of letting time do its job and heal the wound. So much better if we can rest while that is happening and allow the body to work its natural intelligence without having to deal with multi-tasking unnecessary jobs. Knowing how to meditate of course helps more than a lot. I am able to sit, stay and heal, disciplining the puppy mind, which has the temperament of a monkey, to keep returning to the space, to the mantra, to the breath - whatever tool works to allow focus to take place, awareness to open and Pure Consciousness to be present.

This week saw me back for a visit with my surgeon to remove the main dressing and hear the test results. The news is good. Cancer has not spread to the liver, bones or heart -three places to which breast cancer cells like to migrate. They didn't test the brain, but the thoroughness of my eye doctor took care of that. He looked into the back of my eye for breast cancer relatedness. It was all looking good he said. "All clear" is the sound.
Then not so good news - the pressure in my right eye was up. "Maybe we should start some drops" says the doctor, followed by the observation that he detected some reluctance for me to start drops. Duh - Yes! Because once prescribed, there is an even greater reluctance on the part of the health professional to stop. I offered the point of the stress of the general anaesthetic totally messing with the body's mechanism. Luckily my doctor had had a general anaesthetic himself and had experienced brain fog for 3 weeks. (Me too) So he saw my point, and we are on hold with the drops till the next time I see him. Unless the hole in the eye (trabeculectomy for glaucoma) has grown over, I should be able to get the pressure down with dietary excellence and optimal lifestyle habits.

One interesting observation concerns the over-diagnosis and treatment of conditions. For example, all the tests I did show that there is Degenerative Disc Disease here, a small cyst there, mild scoliosis somewhere else. We start to see the need for parameters around how upset or excited we are going to get over our body health. From the net: "Disc degeneration is a natural part of aging and over time all people will exhibit changes in their discs consistent with a greater or lesser degree of degeneration. However, not all people will develop symptoms. In fact, degenerative disc disease is quite variable in its nature and severity."
Thanks to my diet and lifestyle I have no bodily pain - just the symptoms of a a biological entity changing over time - I liken it to barnacles on a ship. No big deal. Maybe cancer should be viewed in the same light? Somewhere, however, that is a big deal and I recoil from its progress. Life really is a great chaotic happening where nothing really makes any sense, but the mind always searches for it. Again, the joy of meditation to rest in Being.

We still don't know the details of the tumour. Stay tuned for that and the next step. Su-An

Post surgery

A general anaesthetic must be the black hole of consciousness. One minute on the table, and as if the next minute coughing awake in the recovery room with no sense of any time having passed. I am thankful for anaesthesia, along with the amazing kindness of all hospital employees.
In days of yore, aspiring yogis would be sent to the cremation ground to meditate all night on the transient nature of the body. These days I suggest you spend a morning in the waiting room of a hospital's day surgery. You will get the point. It is a humbling experience - a disillusionment of belief in this human body as permanent. Yet, because there is someone, something, some consciousness who is ever present, we naturally search for this and put it on what we see - our bodies! As I allow time to heal the wound of the knife cut, (partial mastectomy and sentinel node removal)I reflect on these matters and wonder at this thing I call life with what I call me in it.
Su-An

Insights, Acupuncture and Homeopathy

Reflecting on the Journey work as I found myself feeling lighter, brighter and receiving a compliment that I looked 10 years younger, I am reminded of a great lesson - life is both universal and personal. On the personal level, it's all about me. (Universally it's all about ME, but that is subject for another day.) Back to me. There are two sides here - one the great joke of someone talking of themselves and then saying: "That's enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think of me?"
That's not what I want to convey here. I will however make it personal to illustrate my point. In my confused reactionary state to this breast cancer recurrence, I put a lot of blame out there on my dad. It has nothing to do with him. He did the best he could always. It was me who absorbed the environment he created around me - yes, unwittingly, but I now have the choice to release and let go of that. This we did yesterday through our Journey process. I have done it before, and may have to do it again. We repeat the healing therapies that work for us until we get it! That's why I meditate every day. My little soul flame needs this constant reminder that Big Presence is totally one with her, and that perfection can only lie in the moment. Forgiveness for human limitations is a must.
Once we awaken to being alive, we have choices. The first step is acceptance of what is happening and taking full responsibility there. Now, I can take that Journey to release old emotional holding patterns, and work at being fully present with new waves, but when I take this approach to the subject of hormones, I am left with a disturbing thought. As much as I balance and take care of my personal ones, these xeno-estrogens are lurking lurking everywhere now in the environment, twenty first century. I feel overwhelmed with what has to be done here to rectify things. One big anchor is "Slow Death by Rubber Duck" and its recommendations.
Back to this particular case, I have begun the homeopathy to get me through the surgery and beyond. (www.homeopathysolutions.net) Also an acupuncture session yesterday that left me yawning like a baby birdie and again another deep sleep. All good. No more complementary therapies now until after the surgery and we know what else we are dealing with. All for today. Su-An

Complementary Therapies begin

I sat yesterday for an hour with a Journey (C) practitioner, (www.iris-journey.com)
The practitioner asks skilful questions that release deep emotional blockages - emotions that were suppressed and/or repressed at the time of the feeling. Emotional intelligence is hard to find for many reasons, the main one being ignorance of its existence. When we begin to be curious about how it functions, our lives become a whole lot easier. Emotions are simply energy in motion - e-motion. The healthiest way to deal with them is to welcome them in, give them their air time and then see them off at the door. That whole process should take no longer than 90 seconds. Another one of those practices where implementation is way more difficult than it sounds.
Needless to say, my inner being (part of the mind sheath) is rippled with these blocks. What I see is that it is not so important to delve into the cause as to ask myself how they are serving me in this life, and how would things be if I let them go?
The process is concerned with images and feelings, opening layer upon layer until we reach the crux of the human condition, its full rawness exposed.
Afterwards I was ravenously hungry and slept like a dead person. Does that mean it worked? Time will tell!
Today we go for acupuncture...........let's see what that brings.
Su-An

How I spent one Wednesday

First let me say I have only enormous appreciation and gratitude for all of those folks who work at hospitals. Multi-tasking every day - layer upon layer of sorting information, demand upon demand of folks dealing with issues ranging from language through pain to ignorance and fear.
It took me an hour of waiting to realise that I needed to have a little more control over what was happening. My appointment to see a nurse and doctor was before one for a pelvic and abdominal ultrasound that demanded fasting, drinking copious amounts of water and not peeing. Not surprisingly the doctor/nurse information appointment was late. This made for a very full bladder along with unnecessary stress while I made a fuss to be ultrasounded before my bladder burst. In retrospect, I should have been ultrasounded during that hour wait, but what did I know. Only when I woke up to how hospitals run did I realise the importance of taking a number to get in line to take another number to get to see the right person.
As always the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and as long as I am polite and deferential things can go my way. To panic or succumb to helplessness and fear is most dangerous.

So we did the physical tests. I have the blood pressure of a 20 year old girl. I am in good shape. I can touch my toes. I eat the right things to prevent cancer. But still the bird has its claws in my neck. That was a dream I had. It swooped from the sky and dug its energy in there. The good news is that I called for help. And I continue to call on all levels.
The nurse told me all what to expect apres surgery - what to do - what to wear - what not to do. Somewhat overwhelming, but I began to allow myself to remember the last time, and will process it all in due course.
Two ultrasounds, an ECG and blood tests later and we were allowed to leave after a gruelling, brutal 5 hours of bodily invasion, blood letting and total loss of dignity. I came home and slept like the proverbial babe.
At least that part is over. Su-An

Front runner

As I zoom in on hormonal links to this and that, it becomes very clear that not much is known about post post menopausal women and hormones. Research and education is catching up on all the ages up to menopause, but 10 years after? 20 years after? It will be my baby-boomer generation demanding this news as we start to live more than half our lives outside of menopause. (age 0-12 and 55-100 gives us a good 50+ years without monthly bleeding.) Think about that for a minute. The implications and ramifications are huge on so many levels, personal and planetary. So once again I am ahead of my time. This has been somewhat of a theme in my life - early in the game, but never 100% poised to take advantage of it. Finally I had thought a possibility with what I have created over the last 8 years, except I see I have neither the support nor the funds to see it through. The real work of course will be on the level of ego and marvelling at its constant need to reaffirm itself. There must be another way - this journey to discover it.
All for now, Su-An

The hospital revisited

All day medical tests - the staff says I won't feel the pinch, but I do. I feel everything.
I sat for a while in reception, watching. The parking lot was full, the place humming. This meeting place has taken over from the community centre and the mall. I experimented my latest alchemical practice, breathing in pain, breathing out love.
Vignettes of old man pushing old wife in new wheelchair - poor fellow - only by chance did she get the easy chair first. Another guy waiting; upon a small hello from my side, he released a torrent of suffering. He couldn't breathe. It's a strange place a hospital. I sat a while in the very small chapel and meditated. One enormous animal of a hospital for the body and one tiny room for the soul - somewhere I think we have gotten things back to front.
So begins my journey into this world. I accept where I am with it. I accept where I am with it. I accept where I am with it. (This acceptance stuff is not easy!) I accept where I am with it. Next set of tests in one week. Su-An

Reality check

I am beginning to see that I approach life with some naivete. As I talk with folks about hormones, I realise that it isn't as simple as it sounds. I can balance the ones in my body all I like, but I will still be at the mercy of those xeno-estrogens lurking in the environment. Please read: Slow Death by Rubber Duck if you haven't already. You can find it at http://slowdeathbyrubberduck.com/ or http://www.amazon.ca
It is one scary story of "how the toxic chemistry of everyday life affects our health."
The good news so far is that we have the surgery time tabled and also all the tests needed beforehand. That was a mammoth job during the last 3 days. Precious time taken from work projects to call hospitals, ask for appointments, leave messages, get called back with rejections and starting the whole process over. But we did it. Now the journey begins.
I also had my first N.A.E.T. treatment for allergic responses to calcium, soy, beans, amino acids and ....hormones. I have upped my calcium intake to 2,000mg per day and vitamin D to 2,000I.U. for help with the sleep cat-naps.
Today it hit me quite forcefully that I will be out of commission for a while. Maybe even longer. Who knows. In light of that I am asking for donations towards living costs. Am I really going through this nightmare one more time. Too hard to fathom. Signing out, SF

11.01.10

The reason I called myself a fractal or a mirror the other day is because this new lump is a mirror image of the old in the second breast - is there some message in that? All I can say is that it is a good thing I only have 2 of them.

This lump, like the last, loves estrogen. Guess what? My body is allergic to estrogen. It is rejecting it and the cancer is gobbling it up. Talk about hormone disconnect. There have been a couple of Groundhog Day moments back to the time of the first diagnosis - like being given a big box of chocolates practically on the day I am vowed to stop all, but all, sugar. And then finding myself craving the yoghurt (dairy/estrogen)one day before Christmas. Warning signs, not to mention my intuitive sense that my kidney and liver need some help.
I will say that my dietary excellence and optimal lifestyle habits work up to a point, because I am alive, but ultimately, it's just not in our hands....... Today we contemplated death and the wonder of life. I shovelled snow with a relish.

I also called the clinic to ask them to proceed with the arrangements for the surgery. I am being offered many healing treatments. Stay tuned!
Enough for today. SA

100110

Powerful numbers for the day -10 01 10 or 01 10 10 or 01 10 20 10 - whatever way you look at it - pretty darn good........
Today I sat with a group of healing practitioners and began to create a plan of healing using complementary therapies. Loosely the following:

Pursue allergy release with a NAET practitioner over time.
Do lymphatic massage after surgery - repeat and add rebounding daily.
Before the op - Therapeutic Touch
Right after op - Praanic Healing
later - Emotional clearing of dad/Aura polishing/Hormone adjustment

Let's see if it works! How I am in 1 year, 5, 10 - let's say we'll look at my health state then and see what has worked. I guess if I am alive I can say it is working. After that, really it's a matter of whatever gets you through the night - whatever works. It's just that I have this very strong feeling/idea that the body can live forever. How stupid can a person get? Yet, still I try - my new dance. I know who will win in the end. That death God Yam, he came and told me last time that he'd be waiting for me. But we can certainly give him a good run for his money. So bury me with a dollar in my hand as payment for his pleasure.......good song title, but please burn, not bury, otherwise my soul will not be liberated.

Enough for today - day one of my action plan, day ten of the new year, month one, year one of the decade,
Su-An the mirror